


White Blood

by sapphiics



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood, Cutting, Depression, Kidnapping, M/M, POV First Person, Self-Harm, somebody please help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6880003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphiics/pseuds/sapphiics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuki Urie thinks of life differently than others<br/>His life has fallen into depression and he loathes everybody around him<br/>"Lone wolves can't find company, broken records can't be fixed, I can't be helped."<br/>That is...<br/>Until Tooru Mutsuki comes into his life and teaches him that it's okay to feel loved by somebody else<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mere Sadness

It’s really funny, honestly.

How the days go by, how the stars align in their imperfect lines within the sky, how there are so many people and cities.

But mainly, how so much could impact a single human.

I’m Kuki Urie, despite the fact that I’m currently being educated in arts and literature in an average public college just like a great portion of Tokyo’s young residents, I’m different than other people.

I am, how you say… depressed.

Not the stereotypical kind of depressed where you’re locked in your room and crying all day, where everybody pushes you around for being different and tells you to just end it already.

No, no, I’m the hidden kind of depressed.

I still lock myself in my apartment from six pm to six am, I barely sleep, I hurt myself mildly.

Just baby steps to when I want to die.

But I don’t believe I’m anything special, I know I’m different… maybe, no, not really at all.

Let me rephrase what I said earlier; I’m not anything different, I’m a pawn.

A simple pawn on a giant chessboard, one pawn among the others, just waiting to be used until another player ends me. A simple, awaiting pawn, filled with curiosity towards the world, wanting to know what my real worth is.

Unlike others, I’m a pawn who finally realized that I’m no different than anybody. We’re all just wandering beings, wasting our time and our life until our time is up and it’s time to die.

Nobody really argues with death, they just embrace it, lots of people don’t want to die. Those people just aren’t ready. __

* * *

 

I open the door to my bathroom, glaring at the reflection that passes by as I walk, the mirror is broken just like me. A broken record that can’t be fixed unless it’s replaced. I picked up the shiny switch-blade on the counter, the metal gleaming in the light and reflecting onto my cold, dark purple eyes.

“One… two… three…” I lost count of how many cuts I created, one over the other, deep red replacing pearly white. There weren’t _too_ many cuts, and most of them weren’t _too_ close to my wrists. I wanted them close to my wrists, my veins were always throbbing, begging for me to slice them.

I sighed and let the blood slowly drip down my arm and drop onto the white counter, leaving cleanable stains everywhere. I reached for the bandages, wrapping my arm and covering up the evidence.

I slipped on a long, black trenchcoat and left my apartment, slamming the door shut on my out. 

* * *

 

The city of Tokyo was always so crowded, it was always drenched with rain, with pedestrians always minding their own business, nobody wanted to get in trouble here.

I waited at the bus stop, slightly looking around my area. Three other people were waiting too, one short girl with two blue pony tails, one rather cute boy with neck length green hair, and… oh god.

“Hey! Urie!” The annoying, orange haired, shark faced jock waved excitedly.

I let out a long sigh, faking a smile and inching a bit closer to the bunch, “Hello, Shirazu.”

“Guys! Have you met Urie? He’s cool and emo.” a huge, ear-to-ear grin formed on Shirazu’s face.

I took a deep breath through my nose and mustered up all the patience I had.

“Yeah… Don’t listen to anything that idiot says, I’m not emo.”

“So you aren’t cool either, right?” The blue haired girl smirked, high-fiving Shirazu.

I already hate them.

My eyes fixated on the last one. He was merely a small boy, shorter than me by six inches, he looked maybe about a single year younger than me.

“Hm? Oh,” He turned his head to me and slightly gasped, his eyes widening and gleaming with an impressive shade of green.

“H-Hi.” The boy stuttered, his hands meeting together behind his back.

I blinked a couple times before opening my mouth again, only for a weak exhale to escape my lips, “Hey.”

“You’re Urie, right? I’m Mutsuki Tooru.” Mutsuki held out his hand to shake.

I stared and slowly shook it, what a delicate olive tone his hand and body had. It was almost calming, the color palettes he possessed, forest-like shades of green and brown. Mutsuki was unlike anybody else I ever saw, he was calm and collective, the figure he possessed was quite small.

My train of thought was interrupted by the high-pitched sound of squealing brakes coming by, the bus was here to pick up whatever visitors waited. Never too late and never too early, the four of us stepped in after a bundle of people came out.

“So where do you plan on going?” Mutsuki tilted his head.

“I’m going to my the campus, I go to Shiroi Tenshi-”

I was grabbed by the shoulders and shaken violently, “Can you _please_ give me a tour and some tips? I’m enrolling in Shiroi Tenshi University and it’s been my dream college and I always wanted to go!” His tone of voice suddenly went from a summer breeze to a whining child.

I glowered and put a hand to my aching forehead, “You’ll get your way around the place, it’s not that big.”

Mutsuki puffed his cheeks, he folded his arms and frowned like some kind of two year old.

I couldn’t refrain myself from laughing, the deep chuckle escaped from my lips like a bird escaping from a cage to the sweet relief of light. I can’t remember the last time I laughed, it’s been a long time, _too long._

Mutsuki’s mouth snapped shut, he stared at me with such wonder and delight that even an angel from heaven itself would cry in jealousy.

“Is there something wrong…?” I raised an eyebrow.

He hid his face in his hands, muffling tiny, astonished puppy noises.

“Whatever,” I shrugged, standing up and grabbing my bag.

I stepped off of the bus, leaving the three others to sit and wait for another ride.

I found myself looking back lonesomely, like I was waiting for them to step off and join me on my walk into the abyss.

“Ah, forget them…” I mumbled, snapping my head forward and relaxing my shoulders.

This should be another regular day, nothing was suppose to happen. I would go to my classes, come back, do my extra work, then lay down and treat myself to another stress-relieving blade.

I watched as all the other students, varying in races and sizes, trotting past me. Nobody knew me, I was just another person minding my own business and doing my work, I wasn’t known to get in trouble or be a professor's pet.

“Hey, Kuki,” a tall, blonde male put his hand on my shoulder.

Reflexes usually told me to punch anybody who touched me in the gut and flip them over onto their back, but I only darted my eyes up to the stranger with a grim look on my face.

“Do I know you?” I deadpanned.

The male snickered and looked over at his smaller friend, “No. I’m Naki, I just noticed that you’re lookin’ a lil’ sad over there. Say, would you like me to cheer you up-”

I headbutt him in the chin, brought his hands behind his back, and pulled his head to where the ends of his chin-length blonde hair grazed the back of his neck. I pointed the edge of my switchblade at his adam’s apple, fear rose and clouded his eyes.

I heard the clicking of a gun and felt a cold metal gun at the side of my head.

“Make another move, I dare you.” the male’s friend growled.

A sly grin crept onto my face, “Try me.”

Only a mere second passed before the trigger was pulled, I quickly leaned back and the bullet missed the bridge of my nose by a centimeter.

“Bro! Ayato! You gotta help me!” the male bawled, his face resembling an actual rainstorm from the tears and snot spilling everywhere.

I grimaced and released my grip on him, “Ew.”

The smaller male laughed, he stepped on his friend’s back and faced me, “You’ve got some skills,”

“Well _you’ve_ got some nerves, trying to shoot somebody on campus.” I rolled my eyes.

I shoved my hands in the pockets of my trenchcoat and turned around, “I hope we don’t meet ever again.”


	2. No Help

People are annoying sometimes, if somebody doesn’t know another person, then they should stay like that. Making friends is not like how you would in television or novels, you can’t just walk up to a person and ask for them to be your friend.

At least, that’s how _I_ think.

I don’t know about anybody, but I like personal space, keep your secrets to yourself and all will go well. Don’t get attached to others because that will make it harder for you to let go, and if you really have to promise to stay with somebody forever, _keep the promise_.

Because broken promises is the same thing as cutting the string that keeps somebody together, if you swear on something but then reject it the next day, you’re basically pulling said string apart with your bare hands until it _snaps_.

That’s why I don’t trust other people.

That’s why I don’t make promises.

That’s why I don’t depend on others.

I was too lost in my thoughts, I stared down at the deep cuts in my arms, the switchblade was dripping with blood. My skin burned like my arm had been set on fire, the cuts were deep enough to disrupt the veins in my arm, the blood had been pouring to the point where there were lake-sized pools of blood.

I attempted to just wrap it up with the bandages, but the blood sunk through, spreading and turning every patch of beige bandage dark red.

“Dammit.” I snarled.

I patted my cuts with a towel, wincing at the burning sensation of pain laughing at me. I tried to cover up my arm again, this time it was a success.

A knocking at my door made me jump, I pushed everything away and shut the bathroom door.

“Yes?” I opened the door and answered, a pale, ghastly aura surrounding my being.

“Oh! Uh…” it was Mutsuki again, he tapped his fingers together and bit his lip, a regular reaction after seeing something sickly and dead looking.

“S-Sorry for the inconvenience, I just wanted to give you your book back, you left it on the bus.” He bowed and handed me the thick, white book that fell out of my bag when I stood up on the bus earlier.

“It’s fine, anything else?” I took the book and sighed.

Mutsuki blinked a couple times before scratching the side of his head with his index finger, “No… not exactly, I’d like to see your house-”

“No.” I snapped, slamming the door.

“You could be a little more subtle about that!” Mutsuki yelled, his voice muffled through the wood of the door.

I rolled my eyes, one day I’ll roll my eyes so hard I’ll go blind, “Yeah, whatever. I couldn’t care less.”

I twitched at him tapping at my window, my head snapped towards his puppy dog eyes and child-like frown.

“Why are you such a moody teenager!” Mutsuki whimpered, smashing his face against my window.

“How are you doing that?” I raised an eyebrow confusingly.

Mutsuki fell down, I heard a violent crash from outside, he quickly sat back up and continued with his annoying puppy eyes.

“Fine…” I exhaled, rubbing my throbbing forehead with my gloved fingers.

I opened the door and expected at least some time before the tiny boy lunged at me.

But almost all my expectations are incorrect.

Mutsuki literally pounced on me, grabbing my trench coat with his bare, tan arms and pulling my chest to his face.

“Is this a form of one-sided affection? Is your mental health okay? What are you doing?” I showered him in questions with a flat tone, hoping for answers and for him to let go of me.

Mutsuki only answered with a tiny, kitten-like squeak, “You’re so cold.”

“Yes, because the warmth in our bodies is suppose to go everywhere, but for me, it’s only used to keep my heart and organs warm, so I don’t… you know, _die_.”

“That’s kind of cool, why is your body like that?” Mutsuki lifted his head and batted his eyelashes.

I chuckled, “I was being sarcastic, but okay.”

I looked down at him again, he was fast asleep against my chest. I dragged him over to my couch.

Wait.

Was that…?

I felt my mouth, my lips were curled up into a smile.

“Ahhh!!” I screamed on the top of my lungs, falling over and frightening Mutsuki.

“What?! What happened?!” he yelled, concern in his eyes.

I groaned in pain, feeling a big bruise form on my back.

Mutsuki immediately ran to my side, helping me up and pushing onto the spot that hurt most.

“Ow, ow, ow, please don’t _touch me_.” my voice turned to growling, a stubborn lone wolf defending itself from any help given to it.

The boy softened his eyes at me, “Just please let me help you.”

“Okay, fine.” I sighed.

Mutsuki slowly pulled off my trench coat, the second I felt his hand on my arm I pulled away and pushed him back.

“Why are you so defensive?!” he barked, slightly hissing in pain and rubbing the nape of his neck where he was hit.

I only gave him a wide-eyed gaze, my vocal cords unable to work and my mouth ceasing to make any noise.

“Out.” I demanded, my voice harsh and firm.

Mutsuki stood up and started walking out the open door, he gave me a look of pain and sorrow. My only reply was the look of hidden sadness, dread and aching fear deep in my eyes, only seen when one actually understands the same level of pure depression I hold.

“I just don’t want you to constantly hurt and hide it all away,” he whispered, tears stinging the corners of his eyes.

A cool breeze closed the door behind him, leaving me alone once again to tremble and suffer in the endless pain that surrounds me.

 

* * *

 

I said this earlier and I will say it again and again until I can no longer speak; People are annoying.

Trying to constantly get into one’s secretive life without their consent is the worst.

People say that I need help and that they can help me.

Lone wolves can’t find company. Records can’t be fixed. I can’t be helped.

I open my book to the page I was last on. Chapter ten, where the character is slowly drowning and coming to his doom.

_He holds up his hands and tries to swim up, but the gravity is pushing him down. In a blink, he is submerged under the rough waters of the ocean. He screams for help but only bubbles of air come out of his mouth. He reaches for the surface but can only get his hand out of the water. The vast ocean was always frightening for him, it was like an endless abyss that couldn’t be fully discovered. And yet, it intrigued him so much, the creatures who could stand the pressure of the deepest parts of the ocean._

_But alas, it’s too late to realize he’s not one of those creatures. His head feels lighter and lighter as he sinks into the sea inch by inch._

_“Help!” He tries screeching, pleading for anybody to save him._

_Water starts to fill his nose and mouth, he chokes and cries._

_Drowning._

_A sudden hand darts into the water, he gets pulled up until a sweet breath of air returns to his lungs._

I turn the page and slightly frown, the main character has his sorry ass saved by a stranger who just happened to be sailing by.

“What a cliche.” I closed the book and rested my head on the couch pillow.

I always wished that I didn’t know how to swim, it’d be nice if I just _accidentally_ fell to my demise from the top of my apartment building.

I glowered at the sound of my phone ringing, who would call me at this time of day? I picked up the phone and held the thing up to my ear.

“Hey dude!”

It was Shirazu.

Why Shirazu out of all people? Why couldn’t it be my doctor telling me that I was mentally unhealthy? Why couldn’t it be the police telling me that I needed to be executed for an illegal crime I didn’t commit? Why couldn’t it be a hitman coming for me and shooting me out of nowhere?

No, no, I just _had_ to be the orange haired social butterfly who liked throwing parties for _every single tiny thing that happened in his life_.

If I were dead, he wouldn’t be inviting me to dinner right now.

I hung up and picked the black trench coat off of the ground, slipping it on and walking out the door once again.


	3. Death Upon The One I Care For Most

“I’m happy to see that you made it!” Shirazu smiled, he was wearing a white shirt and a leather jacket with ripped jeans and ankle-high boots. Silver literally decorated every part of his outfit, from spikes studding his jacket to piercings in his ears to piercings in his boots. Who needs piercings in their boots? I shouldn’t question him, it’s Shirazu, after all.

I met them at the center of an outside shopping area, lots of hipster stores and family-friendly restaurants were neatly placed in a circle surrounding everybody there

“Yeah… me too…” My eyes focused on Mutsuki, who was standing peacefully and blocking out every distraction in the world. He was trapped in his own endless daydream, not wanting to wake back up into the violent world we call reality.

“Oi! If you don’t focus, then we’ll leave without you.” I snapped in front of his face.

Mutsuki’s eyes regained color and attention, “Y-Yeah.”

The boy was wearing a simple pair of leggings, a black tank top, and a red flannel.

He trotted up behind me as we all walked, ‘we’ being Shirazu, the annoying blue haired girl, and a tall male who had really weird hair. Who has hair that’s black on top of white? Is that physically possible?

“That’s Sasaki Haise.” Mutsuki whispered into my ear, noticing the fact that I was confusingly staring at the male for a long time now.

“O...kay.” I slowly said, I was starting to get lost too.

My thoughts were racing rapidly, not giving me enough time to actually process anything I was learning. Things like that just tend to happen, I can’t really control my thought process, it happens as naturally as it can. Sometimes that’s not a good thing, especially when you’re walking in a crowded street.

I only remember the sound of banging metal and a disrupting pain coursing through my skull.

A bunch of people crowded around me and murmured some things, some people even laughed. But Mutsuki looked extremely worried, he almost teared up at the sight of me on the… wait, what happened again?

I looked around, I was on laying flat on the ground, in front of me was- well of course, a bunch of people- and a street lamp.

Well, this couldn’t get any less embarrassing, good thing I had no dignity.

“Okay, I’m fine, everyone can go away now.” I sat up and patted down my coat.

“You’re hurt!” Mutsuki held his breath and puffed his cheeks, like he did the day before.

“I’m hurt? I just bumped into the street lamp. If anything, I’m embarrassed.” I folded my arms and rolled my eyes. 

The boy flailed his arms in the air, “You’re bleeding!”

I touched my forehead and looked down at my hand. 

“Oh.” I dead panned, reactionless to the blood clearly fountaining down my face. 

“Oh well.” I shrugged, catching up with the other three. 

Mutsuki gawked, “‘Oh well’?!” 

He pulled at his hair, groaning in frustration. 

“What else do you expect me to say? I’m not going to have a meltdown because of a simple wound on my forehead.” Seriously, the bleeding bruise wasn’t fatal or anything. I have never heard of anybody who died of blood loss from walking into a metal street lamp. 

We all ended up coming to the desired restaurant, it was quite a small tea shop-sized complex with only three tables that held more than two people. 

This was certainly a place for two. 

“Um, sir, can we help you with that?” a waitress stammered. 

I blinked, “What?” 

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” The accident was starting to drift away from my main thoughts, like I said, it wasn’t fatal… or important at the least. 

“But sir, that’s a lot of blood you probably lost right there.” the waitress was starting to shake. 

“Blood?” Seriously, I did not remember this bruise being here five minutes ago. Wait, it formed about five minutes ago, never mind! 

I felt a thin, paper napkin lightly dabbing my forehead. 

Mutsuki was cleaning up the blood wound that clearly _did not hurt or bother me at all_.

“Don’t do that again.” I growled, swatting away his hand.

Shirazu, Sasaki and the other girl were all doing a good job of ignoring the sudden scene. They just didn’t want to get involved, who did anyway?

“Stop trying to defend yourself!” Mutsuki wouldn’t stop with his constant mothering.

I clenched my teeth, “I’m _perfectly fine_.”

“No you aren’t! I’ll stop the bleeding and then I’ll leave you alone!” the boy raised his voice once again.

“I don’t need your help! This is exactly what you did an hour ago!” I snapped, he was getting on my last nerve, _everybody_ was getting on my last nerve, I just wanted to go home and kill myself already.

Sasaki stood up from his chair, “Can we please be placid? I don’t want us to fight, please sit down.”

“Shut up!” I barked.

Shirazu shot up from his seat, he curled his hand into a fist.

“Don’t you _dare_ talk to Sassan like that!” the orange haired jock punched me in the face.

Blood dripped onto the floor, tiny droplets creating a fairly small puddle of the red liquid that I was too used to. I wiped the blood with the back of my pale hand, anger boiling and stirring in my dark purple eyes.

The blood flowing through my veins curdled and burned, my hand did the same as Shirazu’s.

My fist flew through the air towards the orange haired jock in pure anger.

For a second, I didn’t know who I even hit, my vision was so blurry through all the violence in my eyes.

I only saw the green haired boy slide in front of the Shirazu as I hit him.

Mouths gaped open, delicate tears fell to the ground like aftermath raindrops from a vicious storm.

Both of Mutsuki’s hands were covering the left side of his face, tears slipped through the cracks in-between his fingers.

He looked up at me with green eyes filled with despair and anguish, red and puffy from the sobbing.

“I…” No words came out of my mouth, I was completely speechless, my throat closed and bled.

Shirazu’s eyes widened, “Apologize!”

I felt like a murderer, I felt like I just killed Mutsuki. But, I kind of _did_ kill him.

I hit him, he was trying to protect his friend and I hit him.

All he wanted to do was help me, but I yelled at him and ignored him.

And to top all of it off…

I can’t even say sorry.

 _What a pathetic human I am._  

* * *

 

“Stupid!” I screamed, staring at the wall, dented with my fist.

My knuckles were bruised and caked with blood, the red liquid seeped through the bandages on my arms.

I ended up saying absolutely nothing, all I did was run away back to the hellish safety of my apartment without a single apology said.

For all I know, Mutsuki was sent to the hospital and probably doesn’t want to see my face ever again.

I’m such a _coward_.

I dropped to the floor, my fingers digging into my scalp as I scream.

Everything hurts so much, my entire body is aching, like I’m in a hailstorm of bullets and being dumped into boiling water at the same time.

My heart hurts the most, I’m being suffocated by my own weakness I never knew I had.

Why does it hurt?

I’m not _suppose to care_.

I’m too desperate for the pain to go away, I hungrily grabbed the pistol lying on my bedstand and bring it to the side of my head.

A sudden knock snaps me out of the agony, like an angel coming to drag me out of hell, a bright light saving me from the darkness.

I throw the pistol across the room and walk over to the door, throwing on my trench coat to make the bandages less noticeable.

The second that I open the door, my heart sinks. My breath hitched as my eyes widened and teared up.

Mutsuki was different this time, he had a simple eye patch covering his left eye. But that didn’t seem to change his unworldly beauty and blissful aura of hope and happiness.

How can such a fragile child bring so much joy into the world without any effort whatsoever?

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, feeling tears swell up in my eyes.

Mutsuki frowned and sighed, he cracked an assuring smile and threw his arms around my neck, “If anybody’s sorry, it’s me. I shouldn’t have babied you like that.” 

Why did he treat me like I had significance? Why was he so gentle and loving towards me? Like a mother bird who cared for a chick with a broken wing on the streets. Even after the chick healed, the bird still took it under it’s wing like it was it’s own mother. 

I never had a mother to take care of me, maybe when I was younger, but those were the days where I did nothing but forget in order to cope with the pain. 

Ah, yes, now I remember… my father dying, my mother ceasing to talk to me, being alone for an uncountable number of years until I finally grew up and left my house.

Those were the days.

I was only lonely because all I can do is hurt, I don’t have what it takes to feel love, I don’t have the right personality to protect.

“Hey, Urie,” Mutsuki finally spoke, breaking the unbearable silence.

I lifted my head ever so slightly, signifying that I was listening.

“I-” he choked on his words. Mutsuki broke down, unable to speak or think.

The green haired boy threw his hand over his mouth, detaching himself from me and bending down in pain. His back arched scarily and he cried.

All I did was stare, mortified at this horrific scene before me. My limbs refused to move, my muscles froze.

Everything I ever remembered was holding him close and cooing tenderly in his ear until his breathing slowed.

Mutsuki's eyes closed and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.

It was almost like he had just died, the careless way he breathed as his chest rose and flattened with ease.

I wish I slept as easily.


	4. September in the Middle of Winter

Two green eyes fluttered open behind a thick barrier of thin eyelashes, green and full of life unlike anything else I've ever seen.

So colorful for a single shade of forest green, so bright and wondrous. You could even see Mutsuki's clear thoughts behind his eyes, thoughts so delicate and beautiful like everything else he was.

Mutsuki was like a cat, eyes so wide and mind full of such wonder. His simple smile was enough to brighten an entire room.

"Uh, Urie?" The green haired boy peeped.

"Huh?" I raised an eyebrow, taking my eyes off him.

Mutsuki slightly laughed, "Sorry, you were just staring at me for a long time now. Anything on your mind?"

i blinked a couple of times as my mouth hung open, I couldn't think of an excuse this time.

"Ah, nothing." I said weakly, a frown forming on my face.

Mutsuki sat up, he placed his hands on my cheeks and beamed widely.

"Smile more!" He pulled my face upward into a distorted grin.

"Smiling stretches your muscles, making it easier for you to get wrinkles." I dead panned.

The green haired boy pouted, "That goes for frowning too!"

I pulled his hands off my face and sighed annoyingly.

"Hey, what did you want to tell me earlier?" I asked, lacking any emotion in my voice.

Mutsuki gulped hard, his face instantly loosing color like dumping all the paint out of a bucket.

"You okay there? You don't need to ask me anymore if you don't want to." I pulled back his hair, the green strands falling back in place and framing his face almost symmetrically.

The green haired boy faked a smile, "Everything's fine."

I spotted the trick he was trying to play in a split second, putting my hand on his face and pressing my forehead against his.

"You don't have to smile if you don't want to. Smiling shows that you're happy, which you- right now- are not." I slightly chuckled at the heat emitting from his face. The entirety of Mutsuki's shoulders and face were burning red, it made me laugh.

"You're so ridiculous, Mutsuki." I laughed, causing him to redden even more.

Mutsuki quickly pulled away from my grip, "I-I better g-get going now!"

He tried walking out the door but stumbled and fell down the stairs.

"What an airhead..." I sighed, the grin keeping its place on my lips.

"Oi! You break a leg there or what?" I popped my head out the door, looking around for any sign of the dipshit that just fell down my stairs.

The only sound I received were hissing sounds of pain, then a loud 'fuck' from the green haired boy.

"Wow, I really thought you were too pure to say such a word." I snickered, walking down the wood stairs and helping the poor boy up.

Mutsuki's eyes were red and puffy from crying in pain, "Sorry."

"What the hell are you apologizing for?! The stairs aren't going to break if you fall down them." I rolled my eyes, picking him up and walking back up the stairs.

I set him down on the couch, examining his legs and arms and anything that he could of fell on or broken. His eyes followed my hands, probably making sure I didn't do anything too pervy.

"I'm still sorry." He said meekly.

I only replied with an eye roll, he didn't need to apologize for it wasn't his fault at all.

Mutsuki reached for the book on the coffee table, it was the sketchbook I didn't let anybody touch.

I slapped his hand and grabbed the sketchbook, "Don't touch."

He didn't question it, he only hummed lightly and swayed side to side peacefully.

"Okay, done. No bones are broken, only a couple bruises and cuts here and there. Nothing fatal at the least." I patted his leg and pulled him up.

Mutsuki remained silent for a couple of minutes, his mouth completely shut and his eyes meeting the floor.

"What part of, 'you're perfectly fine' and 'it's not your fault' don't you understand?" My eyebrow twitched.

The green haired boy finally opened his mouth, "I want to dance."

I stared at him for a couple seconds, debating whether his mental health was in jeopardy or not, "Huh?"

"Come on!" He beamed, taking my hand and positioning me in a formal dancing stance.

"I don't know if you know this, but I can't dance for shit and I kind of want to keep it that way." I dead panned.

Mutsuki took out his phone and typed in a couple of words before putting it back in his pocket.

This was a memorable song, and a really old one, Mutsuki seemed to love it.

"Do you remember? The twenty-first night of September? Love was changing the night of pretenders," he sang, enjoying himself.

"While chasing the clouds away." I saw that I was singing along to his stupid song and dancing along to his uneven footsteps. Dammit.

The rest of the song blended together, I found myself ignoring everything and keeping my eyes on nothing but Mutsuki. He sang so elegantly and the soft tone in his voice was effortlessly gorgeous.

I suddenly pulled him close ( _what am I doing?_ ), his face pressed against my chest ( _this is wrong_ ). 

The green haired boy wrapped his arms around my neck, ( _what was he doing?_ ) his hands locking and resting on the nape of my neck.

Our faces were inches, no, _centimeters_ apart. I could feel his quiet breath on my lips, so close, so close...

 _Too close_.

I turned my head and exhaled deeply, pushing him away.

"I don't get attached so easily."

* * *

 _Disgusting_.

I don't know why I did that, it was completely uncalled for, how did we even get ourselves in that mood?

I'm not exactly sure, I'm never really sure about anything.

All I know is that _I do not love_ Mutsuki Tooru.

How sneaky of him to take hold of my emotions like that.

I puffed out the cigarette, puffs of grey smoke dancing and quickly unraveling into the night air.

"If you smoke like that, you're going to die a little faster." A voice behind me warned.

I instantly recognized the voice and sighed, "Good, I hope I die before you, Shirazu." 

Shirazu clicked his tongue, "If you die, then Mutsuki will be very sad."

My eyes widened ever so slightly, I gritted my teeth and managed to keep my anger in.

"What do _you_ know about Mutsuki?" I had to stop talking, I needed to make sure they didn't know how _much I cared_.

"God dammit!" I let myself slip, punching the wall. Why was I thinking about him? Why was the fucking brat the only thing on my mind? I don't understand why he's so enchanting, I don't understand how he can just effortlessly reel me in by being himself.

_I don't love him. I don't care. I don't love him. I don't care._

"Face it, Urie, you're in love with him. You can't just keep telling yourself that you don't, that'll be hitting two birds with one stone." I could _feel_ that orange haired shark smirk at my pain, at my disappointment and outrage.

Why was he spewing this utter nonsense? Mutsuki meant nothing to me, he was just another pawn like me...

"He's really hurt, Urie, he loves you more than-"

"SHUT UP!!" I screamed, I screamed louder than I could ever in my life. Shirazu was just _so irritating_.

"You know nothing about how I feel! You know nothing about how Mutsuki feels! Hell, you don't know anything at all!" Rage was just boiling inside of me, stirring and bubbling, ready to explode.

I punched him in the face, I didn't hit Mutsuki, I hit Shirazu. Not a single drop of guilt was felt, he stumbled back a little before looking up. 

"Are we going to do this again? Are you going to hurt somebody again?" The orange haired jock wiped the blood from his mouth, he shoved his hands in his pockets and turned around.

I didn't want to hurt anybody, anybody but myself.

* * *

 

The blade dragged across my skin, ever since Mutsuki stayed here I wasn't able to cut myself.

The stinging pain was soothing, calming me down and dripping down my arm.

I smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know the original song since I'm a fucking dweeb, I was really writing about the remake by Kev. Here's the link: https://m.soundcloud.com/m4a-1/kev-september-m4a-edit  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. Philophobic, But Falling For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> t.w. death mention  
> t.w. abuse/alcohol mention

I sat on my bed, rethinking my entire life; every single mistake, failure, speck of blood, scream that left my lips, everything that happened in the last eighteen years that I lived, breathed, and embraced.

But out of every mistake I made...

why did the one from yesterday hurt so much?

His words still pierced and killed me, " _Disgusting_."

" _You're a perfect child, Mutsuki, don't let anybody look down on you."_

I sighed, remembering my mother's kind words. She always showered me in compliments, telling me how amazing I was and how much she loved me despite the fact that I'm a failure.

My mother never cared about who I was as a person, she never got mad at me, she never hit me, she was so nice.

Ah, I should stop thinking about my mother...

she's dead anyway.

The image still floats around in my mind, endlessly tormenting me with thoughts of blood and screaming and limbs everywhere.

_"I'm waiting at the cafe for you." I sang into the phone, repeatedly turning my head side to side in hopes that I'll see her. I haven't seen her for three years, literary school is hard._

_"I'm across the street~" my mother laughed._

_In the corner of my eye I saw the short, light hair softly fly in the wind as the woman stared back at me across the street with her golden eyes._

_A huge smile made its way across my face, big and pure, "Mom-"_

_All of a sudden, my green eyes widened, I opened my mouth to scream but a small gasp was the only thing that left my mouth._

_Hundreds of people on the street started yelling and panicking, running around and pushing each other over._

_I saw the blood on the floor, pooling and all over the place. Splattered, staining, mortifying._

_And there was my mother's body,_ _lifelessly laying on the floor in front of a truck._

_Her arms were sprawled out and her organs placed in front of her like they were ripped out herself._

_I've never been so speechless in my life, I wanted to screech, to cry, to yell her name and break down on the floor._

_But I couldn't do anything but stare hopelessly._

That was the worst memory I ever harbored, I never told anybody about my mother's death.

She was just so important to me, we both talked and dreamed about running away to a secret place, away from my father who found joy in nothing but drinking, smoking, and hurting us.

We both faked our love for my father, I hated it, but it was because we weren't hurt by him when we were nice. He was too drunk to even spot the difference.

I heard footsteps in the quiet house, then a meek 'hello?' from a voice which was too familiar to my ears.

It was Urie, the same man who held me close and danced with me, the same man who had eyes like the darkest of verbena flowers ( _sorry, I'm a huge flower nerd... actually a nerd in general_ ), and the same man who rejected me. 

I didn't even know who Urie was anymore, he was both left  _and_ right, hot  _and_ cold, it was irritating to the extreme.

But I couldn't help but fall for him. I didn't care who Urie was as a person, I still adore him regardless the fact that he punched me or yelled at me.

"I just wanted to apologize, for doing what I did yesterday..." Urie sat down next to me, his hand on top of mine.

I pressed my lips together, "It's okay, It's fine. Everything is just... great..."

Why was I breaking down?

I didn't mean to explode into tears in front of him, it just happened, my emotions unintentionally stirred up and I let it out.

I felt two arms hugging me tight, a special warmth that I could feel deep within all the coldness that belonged to Urie and Urie only.

"When I say I'm sorry, I really mean it. What kind of fool do you take me for?" his deep, soft voice brushed against my ear gently.

A pitiful laugh escaped my mouth, you could hear the miserable cry behind it.

* * *

I recognized the laugh from Mutsuki's mouth, I squeezed him even harder.

I could never stand to see him hiding away his sadness behind a smile like everything is actually okay.

"You're so precious to me, don't fake your happiness in front of me  _ever_ _again_." the anger in my voice was audible, for I was more than serious.

"Mutsuki, it's already rare that I trust you, but l can't find myself growing attached to you... and what kills me that I already am, you being in my world is the most relieving thing I've ever experienced. You tear down the walls I've been holding up for so long, your angelic grace is more than I've ever seen, you keep me up all night... Tooru, I... I-"

Tears fell onto my shoulder, tears that belonged to the green haired boy, he gripped my coat and shoved his face in the crook of my neck.

I chuckled, lifting his head up and drying his tears with my thumb, "How many times can you cry a day?"

I placed a kiss on Mutsuki's forehead and smiled, his nose scrunched up and his face flushed red.

"What I was  _going_ to say before you interrupted me with your sobbing was that, I admire you." I pulled him up and smiled.

Mutsuki blinked once or twice, "Really?'Admire'? Could you find a better set of words that didn't include the godawful word, 'love'?  _Oh, I **fancy** you, _ _I **adulate** you, I  **treasure** you_. Christ, Urie, you're like a synonym-spitting machine." 

I suddenly pulled him towards me, our lips met and danced together, Mutsuki was sweet and flavorful, his eyes told a wonderful story about how he didn't see that coming.

We pulled away and I smirked, "Shut up, will ya?"

 His face was redder than my blood, he was ready to explode from embarrassment.

"ASSHOLE!!" Mutsuki pushed me back with all his strength.

I chuckled picking him up by the waist and holding him in the air.

The green haired boy blushed a little more, "L-Let go of me!"

"Not fair, _I'm_ suppose to be the stubborn, moody one." I laughed again, messing around with Mutsuki was pretty fun.

He kicked my leg and my knees buckled, letting go and falling on my back.

Mutsuki landed on his feet, he stared down at me and grinned.

I laid peacefully on my back, waiting for nothing, the green haired boy held out his hand for me.

"C'mon, stand up." He said, the pure elegance and kind nature back in his voice.

I smirked and pulled him down, Mutsuki fell on top of me. His face was a mixture between surprised and ready to scream.

I held his hand happily, our fingers intertwined like two vines growing and twisting together.

"Ah hem!" A loud voice coughed.

"Shit." My eyes widened, I forgot Mutsuki lived with three other people.

Shirazu and Sasaki stood in front of the doorway, staring right down at us, on the floor, with our fingers interlocked.

"I can explain-"

"No need to." Shirazu probably wanted to murder me right now, I'm betting that he'll stab me in my sleep, what a life I had.

I looked up at the green haired boy, his face was entirely white and he was trembling.

"S-Sorry!" Mutsuki hoped off of me and repeatedly bowed to the two men at the door way.

I sat up and rolled my eyes, "If you keep bowing like that, then you'll snap your spine."

 "No, no, keep apologizing because you have a lot of explaining to do, young man." Sasaki said, a visible aura of darkness and umbrage surrounding him. He was scarier than I thought, taller and leaner in person.

I believe this is the way I die...

Rest in peace Kuki Urie, death by Haise Sasaki because of the seduction of Tooru Mutsuki.

Well actually I didn't _seduce_ Mutsuki, I just made it _look_ like I did.

* * *

 "Do you two know what you did wrong?" Sasaki towered over us, folding his arms and getting angrier by the second.

Mutsuki and I sat on our knees with our hands in our laps, trying our hardest not to shake in terror of Sasaki's rage.

"I-I can assure you that we were both perfectly fine..." The green haired boy stammered.

I remained dead silent, internally counting the minutes until my awaiting death.

"Mhmm." I nodded, pretending that I was both listening and not completely terrified.

“So?” the man lifted his chin, he waited ten full minutes for us to speak.

I felt myself shiver under his deathly glare, of course it was my fault he was mad.

Well, I just _had_ to do it, didn’t I?

“I-I’m sorry, Mr. Sasaki! It’s my fault!” I blared, stopping dead in my tracks at the amount of pride I had to throw away in order to say that.

Shirazu’s eyes widened quickly, his hand flew to his chest as he shed the lightest of tears, the same went for Mutsuki and Sasaki.

“ _Are you serious?_ ”

The orange haired jock started to bawl very grossly, like an erupting volcano of tears and snot.

“Jesus Christ, you guys…” I muttered under my breath.

I knew I had a huge ego and never apologized, but that didn’t mean everybody had to sob disgustingly just because I called a man ‘Mr.’ and took the blame.

I look over at Mutsuki, who was staring in awe at me, eyes all sparkly and greener than ever, but with sloppy tears pouring out of them and mucus hanging from his nose.

I didn’t know if it was repulsive or adorable.

“I’m leaving, now. Goodbye everyone, have fun crying like idiots.” I sat up, brushing off my legs and opening the door out.

* * *

What a bunch of morons, how do they get anything done, especially Shirazu. All I did was simply apologize, is it really that bad? The real question is, am I really that stubborn?

Whatever, I don’t care one bit anyway, why would I? Nothing mattered to me, not myself, not my family, not…

I sighed, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

_I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t…_

It was really no use, I cried silently, letting the cold tears fall onto my skin as I covered my face with my hands.

The truth was the truth and the truth was, that I couldn’t make it without Mutsuki.

He was so bright and precious, like the sun in the sky beaming down nothing but rays of happiness. Sure, he was a little bit of a crybaby who cared too much, but Mutsuki was also caring and affectionate. He was also delicate and colorful like a flower, his green hair flying in the wind ever so softly like petals being blown away, his eyes sparkling and widening in wonder was like seeing a rose fully bloom in five seconds.

I loved seeing the green haired boy like that, I liked it when he was excited, the way his eyes glowed and his lips curled when I came, and yet…

I don’t mean I meant it when I said I loved him.

Yes, I smiled, I laughed, and my voice was natural and loving, but I don’t really think _love_ or _admire_ or _adore_ or anything like that was the right word.

I was always afraid of getting emotionally attached to another person, I was always the last one to be picked, always the second choice, always the one to sacrifice when things got out of hand.

Not until I met Shirazu, he was still a real pain in the ass who will never understand anything no matter how hard he tries.

I grabbed the switch blade again, slicing into my skin deeper and harder. Each cut was full of irritation and sadness, two emotions that I couldn't help but feel during this situation.

My tears fell into the open cuts, it stung a little more. 

"Fuck..." I hissed in pain, embracing the suffering and letting it settle down.

I wrapped my wounds yet again, the cloth wasn't even a bit tired of constantly being used to cover up nothing but evidence that a sad, pale male is depressed.

A light made its way through the darkness of the room, it was somebody calling me.

"Hello?" I exhaled, rubbing my fingers together while waiting for a reply.

The voice on the other line was that blue haired girl.

My breath shortened and panic took over my system.

"Shirazu is _what_?"


	6. The Shark is Afraid of Dying

I tapped my foot lightly against the cold tile, waiting at the reception for a nurse to escort me over to the room where they’re keeping that dumb, orange haired jock.

“Kuki Urie.” a female voice calls, queuing me to stand up.

The woman looked at me, she had jet black hair tied up in a tight bun on top of her head and silver eyes.

“Ah huh, where’s Ginshi Shirazu?” I folded my arms, growing impatient.

I heard Mutsuki screech from a certain room, I dashed to the sound and slammed open the door.

There was the green haired boy, sitting in a plastic white chair with his hands covering his face.

I ran to his side and shook him by the shoulder, “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Mutsuki slowly lifted his head, a wide grin stretched across his face.

My distraught suddenly went down the drain, I sighed heavily and rolled my eyes so hard the veins in my eyes started to hurt.

Mutsuki was laughing to the point where his lungs couldn’t take in any air, he gripped his side while small tears gathered in his eyes.

The blue haired girl was laying on her stomach on the floor, kicking her legs in the air.

And Shirazu? That damned orange haired jock was cachinnating just as hard as Mutsuki.

“You just got _pranked_!” Shirazu pointed at me and howled, his laughter leisurely dying down into simple snicker.

I grabbed his hand and crushed his fingers, the dead sound of snapping and crushing silenced the entire room.

“Can you _please_ not make me worry like that?” I asked through my teeth.

“Fine, that’s fine… let’s not do that again.” Shirazu said in a squeaky voice, high enough to break windows.

I calmy released my grip on his hand, “Thank you.”

Shirazu’s hand was red and bruised, some of the bones were even popping out.

“Come on! I just got hit by a car and now _this_?” he hissed in pain and swung his hand around.

So that’s why I was urged to the hospital? Were these new doctors, because the doctors that _I_ knew had a grip on how dangerous Shirazu’s life was.

The orange haired jock was going to get himself killed one day or another, he loved skydiving and parkour and stunts. As witty as he was, he didn’t even look when crossing the streets. Hell, Shirazu didn’t even check if the light was red or not, how is he even alive?

I groaned and rubbed my forehead with the tips of my gloved fingers, thinking about that idiot was killing off brain cells.

Mutsuki was stuck staring at Shirazu’s crushed, bony fingers. He quivered and was ready to barf, it confused me that he was _this_ much of an innocent airhead.

“S-Scary…” the green haired boy shook, not realizing that he was squeezing my hand for safety.

I smiled, clutching his olive toned hand and holding it up.

The blue haired girl opened her mouth to say something but I shot her a death glare, she snapped her mouth shut and looked down.

My smile turned into a frightening simper, having people fear me was _very_ fun.

A nurse rushed to Shirazu with a cart full of bandages and medicine after seeing his rather… _injured_ hand.

“Oh my, oh my, what has happened here?” the nurse panicked, stepping around in place and holding her arms to her chest.

I chuckled, “They played a dirty little trick on me and I might have broken **all** of Shirazu’s fingers.”

The blue haired girl snickered, she looked up at me and held out her hand.

“Am I supposed to take it, or-”

“It’s called ‘shaking your hand’, idiot.” she grabbed my hand and shook it violently.

The blue haired girl dug her nails into my hand, “The name’s Yonebayashi Saiko, I won fifteen first place video game awards, I love snacks, anime, manga, sleeping, and video games.”

What an introduction.

“I’m Kuki Urie, if you didn’t know.” my grip on Saiko’s hand tightened fiercely.

“I enjoy painting, fine literature, death, and my college studies. If you dare waste the meager amount of patience that I have, I will mop my apartment floors with your blood while your decapitated head slowly decays at my doorstep and your body is thrown off my balcony.”

Saiko’s face was completely readable, a mix between fear and dread, two emotions that everybody had to feel one day when facing something serious. I remained blank faced, unable to be read of my emotions, because nobody was allowed to see what I felt.

“Scared?” I smiled chillingly, “I thought so.”

I broke into laughter, leaning back in the plastic chair and almost falling over. 

"Your expression is priceless!" I hollered, tipping backwards and catching myself instead of falling.

Saiko let out a sigh of relief, Mutuski was still physically shaking in fear, his fear probably increasing by a lot when I threatened the blue haired girl.

"I'll still do it, don't think I'm afraid to stain my hands with blood." I smiled innocently, juggling the switch blade in between my fingers.

"Well," I stood up, "Goodbye losers."

"Oi! Who're you callin losers?!" Shirazu burned with a rage that was quite entertaining.

* * *

 

Ah, the city of Tokyo, turning mysterious and rather dangerous when the night unfolded. A full moon blossomed and shed it's shiny white petals of stars across the sky, only for us to gaze and sigh at its beauty.

I walked around the crowded city, my hands in the pockets of my black trench coat and a smile playing on my lips.

A hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder, instincts kicked in and I snatched the person's hand and flipped them over.

Oh, it was that brat from the week before, the one who almost shot me in the head.

I stepped on the kid, my heel digging into his chest.

"I only wanted to ask you of a favor." He hissed in pain, tripping me and standing up.

I sat on the ground and heard the click of a gun yet again, this wasn't even new.

"I thought I said that I never wanted to see your filthy fucking face ever again." I growled, remaining calm with the gun at my forehead.

The brat put the pistol away, "I'm not gonna kill ya,"

Before I could even blink, a knife was brought to the tip of my nose, a tiny speck of blood ran down the edge of the knife.

"Not with a gun, that is."


	7. Not Anger Nor Rage Is Felt, Only Pain

"Heh, you're really going to kill me? I doubt it." I simpered, the little amount of blood collecting onto the blade and falling onto my bare neck as tiny droplets of blood.

"Keep running your mouth, I dare you." The brat grimaced, he pulled the knife away from my nose.

In a quick flash, I took out my switch blade and stabbed him in the hand. He screamed in pain and growled at me with wide, blue eyes.

I took a chunk of dark blue locks into my hand, pulling him closer to the point where our faces were centimeters apart.

"Keep doubting my abilities to _kill_ , I dare you." I slowly pulled the switch blade down his hand, cutting deep into his skin and creating a huge cut.

"Stop it!" The brat screeched on the top of his lungs, he kneed me in the stomach but I didn't move an inch.

"Urie!" A voice too familiar called, why here? Why now?

I pulled the switch blade out of his hand with a low grunt and turned my head to the green haired boy.

"Why are you here? In a dark alleyway? At eleven o'clock in the pitch black night." I dead panned.

Mutsuki tapped his fingers together, "Well, I was admiring the stars nearby and heard a scream. Then my boyfriend alarm went off and I ran towards your scent, which is pretty distinctive, by the way...." 

"Boyfriend alarm?" The brat and I tilted our heads simultaneously.

"Such a delicate flower, how much does it take for this colorful flower to wilt?"

I grabbed him by the neck and slammed him against the wall, "If you _dare_ lay a hand on Mutsuki, I will rip you apart limb by limb and _make it hurt_."

"Heh, so this is the little kid you chose to protect? You know, once you protect something you already lost. You'll grow soft and your senses will be blurred, don't waste all your time protecting his poor ass." The brat needed to shut up, his words were idiotic and made me want to kill him.

Yes, it's true, once you have somebody to protect you already lost, but Mutsuki was everything to me. And I need to take care of my rose, or else it will die.

I let go of the brat and ducked just in time for a bullet to come flying by.

"Oi! Don't shoot me!"

"That's on you, Aya-chan." A female voice laughed.

I turned my head to him, "So you're name is-"

"Ayato Kirishima, I'll kill you if you call me Aya!" Ayato barked.

"Fine, fine," I raised my hands in the air. Mutsuki, on the other hand, was beyond confused. He was stuck between me being along side with these assholes or me wanting to murder these assholes.

I grabbed his hand, "Let's go Mutsuki."

"You aren't going anywhere." The female behind me clicked the gun, she had long dirty green hair with shiny eyes, like emeralds dunked in the ocean.

She grinned, "Aya-chan, do you think I'll get away with shooting the princess? Or will Tatara-san get mad?" 

My eyes widened, I held Mutsuki close to my chest and pointed the switch blade at the female.

"Fool, have you ever heard the term, 'never bring a knife to a gun fight'?" Her grin grew wider, monstrous and bloodthirsty.

"I haven't been getting any action ever since I killed father, it's been _too_ long." 

Two loud gunshots tore through the eerie silence, followed by a shrill-like wail from the green haired boy.

The bullet pierced both his arm and his leg, it wasn't deathly, but it probably hurt like hell. Mutsuki leaned against me and grabbed onto my shoulder for balance, I picked him up and ran away. Fighting back wasn't something mandatory, taking him to the hospital was.

* * *

"This is my fault..." I whimpered, holding my head in my hands.

Shirazu patted me on the shoulder, "It's anything but your fault, bro, he'll be okay."

Sasaki gave me an assuring smile, Saiko did the same.

The green haired boy came out of the room with a bandaged shoulder and thigh, he beamed at me and placed a small kiss on the corner of my mouth.

I was going to find the ones who did this, I was going to kill them... very, _very slowly_.

"Urie? Are you, okay?" Mutsuki poked my arm, his finger sinking lightly into the hard fabric of the black trench coat.

I whipped my head to him, my eyes wide with vengeance and resentfulness.

Mutsuki's eyes softened, "It's okay, Urie. I'm perfectly fine, you don't need to do anything."

He didn't understand, I needed to do something about it. Those psychos couldn't go running around and hurting anybody else, I should of been the one getting hit instead of Mutsuki.

He didn't do anything, I did lots of punishable things.

The memory still endures endlessly in my head, mocking me and telling me that I'm better off dead than a murderer.

I shook my head, if I thought about it I'd have a mental breakdown, and that can't happen here. 

I lit a cigarette, tasting the bitter nicotine simmering on my tongue. It was soothingly sour, having a sweet aftertaste when the smoke left my mouth and unraveled thinly into the air.

The green haired boy eyed the cigarette in between my fingers with worried eyes, he pursed his lips.

"I can stop if you want." I sighed out the smoke again, shaking the ash off the butt of the cigarette.

"No, no, do what you like." Mutsuki looked down.

I pressed my lips against his gently, he smiled and pulled apart first.

Mutsuki kept his mouth shut with a grin, he breathed out some smoke left by me and tapped me on the nose.

"You smug little shit." I simpered.

"Wrong," the green haired boy laughed, " _Saiko's_ the little shit."

I snickered a bit, "You're one hundred percent right... for once."

"Hey!" Mutsuki punched my arm.

"Can we stop by the bookstore? I need to get something." I never said yes, but he pulled me towards the lit up store bombarded with literature anyway.

Quite a few people were inside, I saw a lot of teenagers loitering, but nobody seemed to care.

Mutsuki's eyes sparkled at a specific lady with green hair tied up in a messy bun.

"Takatsuki-senpai!" He waved, completely ignoring the laws of a bookstore, which is that you shouldn't yell or wave or make a commotion about anything. But nobody seemed to care.

The lady smiled at him and walked closer. She wore a salmon colored loop scarf, circular red glasses, a beige coat, black stockings, and a salmon pencil skirt. 

But something seemed odd about her, the way she smirked at a guy with dark hair pulled back in one of the messiest ponytails ever, something was just... off.

Mutsuki pulled my arm, "Urie! Urie! This is Sen Takatsuki, she's one of the youngest authors to get a famous award!" 

"Cool..." I said, lacking any emotion or care in my voice.

"And that's her assistant, Kuro Usagi, he's really sloppy but does cool things too. Like parkour!" Did Mutsuki even understand the words coming out of his mouth? He sounded like a fanboy meeting his favorite band, annoying.

"Ha, I'm not that young, Mucchan, I'm twenty three. That's old and saggy, and don't compliment Kuro-kun, he doesn't need it." Takatsuki giggled, whispering the last part.

Usagi scowled, hearing what she said, "I heard you, bitch."

"That's not a nice thing to say to your superior~" Takatsuki sang.

He just shoved his hands in his pockets and swayed side to side, black earbuds tucked under his hair.

"Ah, so you're Mutsuki and Usagi's senpai? You don't really look like it." I raised an eyebrow. They seriously looked familiar, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

She waved her finger around, "Oh yes, Mucchan's only seventeen and Usagi-kun's only fifteen."

"Fifteen?!" The green haired boy and I gawked simultaneously.

"Mhm!" Takatsuki nodded.

* * *

I had nearly forgotten about the horrid night before, other things were aboard the train of thought. 

I hugged Mutsuki and kept him close, my arms around his abdomen and his soft green hair tickling my neck.

The green haired boy was an easy sleeper, I just stared down at him with my dark purple eyes open, sleeping wasn't really a main priority.

The violet night gleamed and glimmered, the stars sparkling and complimenting the all-mighty moon above. 

I wondered about space, the vast emptiness. Stars everywhere you look and planets closer than you thought they ever were. I'm exaggerating, of course the planets were still far away.

But space still intrigued me, I never wanted to be an astronaut but learning about the infinite nothingness was just so amazing.

Mutsuki shifted a little and groaned, snapping my train of thought in half.

"Mmm... nooo... don't do thaat..." He said in his sleep.

I wondered what he was dreaming about, probably something stupid like everything he ever thinks about.

I smiled at him, nobody could take Mutsuki away from me, I needed to protect him with everything in my power. The night before was never going to happen again, not on my watch. I will keep my eye on Mutsuki and make sure that he is safe and happy. I thought about the gruesome things that could happen if he fell in the slimy hands of those murderers, they had to get through me before they even laid a finger on Mutsuki.

"Urie," the green haired boy squeaked.

"What?" I snapped.

He put his hands on my arms around him, "I can't feel anything below my chest, could you please hug me a little softer?"

Oh.

* * *

I sighed out another cloud of smoke, the early morning sun was covered by a thick layer of fog, blocking out the soft glow of sunshine.

"Urie, I think your smoking is going to cause air pollution." Mutsuki turn around and stared at me.

I rolled my eyes, puffing out more smoke, "Yeah right."

"It's four-thirty in the morning, what are you doing up?" I changed the subject.

"Ha, nice changing the subject. I was up because I didn't feel your arms around me." the green haired boy rubbed his eye and yawned.

"Now, I'll be going back to sleep because side-job doesn't start until eight. Don't jump off the balcony while I'm asleep..." 

It took about three minutes for Mutsuki to go back to sleep, he was one of the lightest sleepers I've ever met, probably because Shirazu is the only other person I've ever seen sleeping ( _when I dragged his drunken body from a party three miles back to his house_ ) and he sleeps like there's no tomorrow to wake up to.

I felt the wind flutter through my hair, whispering untranslatable words into my ears and flying past me towards untouchable places. The wind was either quiet or loud, nowhere in the middle, the quiet winds were the calmest, and my favorite ( _Mutsuki's too_ ). Shirazu always loved the loud winds, he yelled on the top of his lungs whenever a typhoon took place while I stayed inside and prayed that I didn't have to drag his blown away body back to his house.

Another blanket of fog rolled onto the sky, shielding even more of the sun. I exhaled a cloud of smoke, it blended in with the thick fog. 

I looked back at the green haired boy, he was fast asleep and wasn't going to wake up until six or seven.

Should I go out? I wanted to go out, go out and see the city of Tokyo in it's weakest state, where everybody was still asleep and only desperate people or early birds were lurking around while the sun still shone.

I was only going for an hour, maybe forty-five minutes, just enough to see and hear and wonder while Mutsuki was resting and taking his mind off my actions.

I slipped on the black trench coat, and walked out the door.

I wandered around the half-empty city, it was calming and beautiful, such a sight to see when it was crowded with people.

I breathed in the morning air, taking the cold air through my lungs. I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling my ringing phone.

“Hello?” I put the phone to my ear, the freezing touch of unused metal making me shudder.

The voice on the other side was fuzzy, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

“Whatever,” I hung up and put the phone back in my pocket, there were more things to focus on.

The sun started to open it’s wide eyes, shedding light upon the city of darkness, I sighed and frowned.

Fog began to retreat and people started to open their doors. It was only five o’clock in the morning, why were people getting up?

I walked back to the comfort of home, Mutsuki was sitting on the doorstep with his cheeks rested in the palms of his hands.

“Why did you leave?” He mumbled, a look of sadness shown on his face.

I merely shrugged, “I wanted to see the city of darkness before sun shone it’s beautiful smile of light, before the people shed their coats and opened their eyes to the world. I wanted to inhale the sweet taste of morning air before the polluted afternoon nestled itself in my lungs.”

Mutsuki looked up at me and shot a glare, it felt like bullets set on fire, but I embraced the emotional pain.

“That doesn’t give you a reason to abandon me at four in the morning.” he muttered under his breath.

I clicked my tongue, “It isn’t? I really thought I could have some time to myself.”

“Time to yourself?” The green haired boy scoffed, standing up.

“What are you, a shut-in? I’m fine if you do things yourself, but you don’t have to do it so early in the morning-”

“Did you not listen to a word that came out of my mouth when I told you why I was out? So many years I’ve gone without knowing anything, being out there was fascinating, I didn’t want to bother you because I knew you needed the sleep for your job.” I gritted my teeth.

“ _‘I didn’t want to bother you_ ’? Really? I know you enough to know that you don’t care about anybody but yourself!” Mutsuki was spitting lies, of course I cared about him! He was _the only thing_ I cared about! What an idiot he was for thinking that I didn’t care about him! Did he think I was lying to _him_ out of all people?

“Idiot!” I yelled, startling him, “I care about you and _you only_ , I don’t want to drag you around like you’re my luggage!”

“Well it sure doesn’t look like it!” the green haired boy yelled back, he was snapping the last straw in half, breaking my patience and generosity into little pieces.

“What an impulsive brat you are!” I clenched my teeth hard enough for my tooth to chip, was he being serious right now?

“You don’t understand anything! When I say I want to do something, I have the freedom to whatever I please and you can’t stop me. When you’re worrying about me, then brush it off your shoulder because my burden isn’t your’s! Whatever I take, you don’t have to take too. You don’t have to swallow the same knife I touch. _You are not my equal_!”

There wasn’t a single word that I meant, it was just words I randomly strung up to express my anger.

Mutsuki was left wordless, his face was lucid with disconsolateness. He shook away tears, his face twisting in anger and fearfulness.

Mutsuki marched right up to me, he slapped me. The loud slap echoed through the entire neighborhood, reflecting an unbearable agony.

It wasn’t the slap that hurt, it was the fact that he _meant to hit me_. In acrimony, he had full control over what he was doing, unlike me.

“Don’t you ever speak to me _ever again_.” the green haired boy snapped, not a single tear leaving his eyes.

Animosity wasn’t the emotion I felt, I was _suppose_ be get angry, I was _suppose_ to yell at him at the top of my lungs.

I pressed my lips together, trembling to keep it all in, I felt nothing but hurt. It hurt, it hurt a lot, _my heart hurt_.

Was this what heartache felt like?

I didn’t know, I wasn’t suppose to know, emotions that I didn’t want to feel just kept being felt.

My fist clenched and I released a heavy breath, exhaling all the good and inhaling all the bad. I wanted Mutsuki back, I couldn’t handle him when he mad and disappointed in me.

I was the one to blame.

“Okay…” my heart was too heavy, I was ready to drop on me knees and cry.

“That’s fine…” I walked away slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea was smoking feels like. Smoking is only for cool kids who want bad lungs, don't smoke children


	8. Live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is going to be a little dark but then transition into something very cute b/c school's almost over and I'm in a good mood :)

This was too much to bear, I didn’t want to ache like this, this pain in my heart hurt much more than the pain on my arms.

My eyes lingered to the switch blade sitting in my hand, I gripped it, ignoring the unprotected stinging in my wrists.

I pointed the point of the switch blade at my neck, right in the middle where my adam’s apple was.

A tiny drop of blood fell onto my shirt, it spread through the thin fabric. This was going to hurt a lot more than just finishing myself off with the gun resting on my bedstand, I dropped the knife and grabbed the gun. I clicked it and my pale hand started shaking, my palm opened and the gun fell out of my hand.

I want to live.

I want to live for Mutsuki, for Shirazu, for Sasaki, for Saiko… okay not much for Saiko, but still.

Living was essential, living meant I was strong enough to make it through another day, living meant I could love Mutsuki, roll my eyes at Shirazu, talk to Sasaki, and argue with Saiko.

I didn’t care if my life wasn’t pretty, I wanted to live.

A knock was heard at my door, I slammed the door open and immediately hugged the person standing in the doorway.

“I’m sorry… I’m so, _so_ sorry…” I buried my head in his shoulder, he ran his fingers through my hair with his thin, olive fingers.

"I didn't mean any of it." We said synchronously.

We both laughed in sync, Mutsuki held my face in his warm hands and I smiled.

"I meant it when I said you weren't my equal... you're my everything." I smiled, my arms resting on his shoulders near his neck.

My smile faded, "I have decided something,"

Mutsuki's green eyes stared into mine, giving his full attention to my words.

I was going to try and say this without fucking up badly...

"I want to live... for you. I want to stay alive because you and Shirazu and Sasaki and Saiko are with me." What I was saying suddenly felt like lies melting on my tongue, the green haired boy looked more than relieved to hear those words.

Some part of me still wanted to feel the sweet release of death, a part of me wanted to full-on die in the most beautiful way possible, falling from a cliff into a field of pearly white flowers, being stabbed by an uncountable amount of knives in every place possible, jumping off of Tokyo Tower itself... all of it was sickeningly sweet and alleviating. 

I didn't care if I died, as long as Mutsuki got to live, I'd rather take the bullet than stand in front of his coffin. 

"The sun is setting soon and I made dinner plans with the gang..." Mutsuki twirled my short hair in between his fingers, his finger tips softly dug into my scalp. 

"Is that an invitation?" I raised an eyebrow.

His eyes lit up like two green lanterns on a festival night, "You'll come?"

"Of course~" I kissed him on the forehead and received an excited giggle.

I didn't want that happy giggle to go away, I didn't want Mutsuki to stop loving the sight of me or acknowledge my existence like his wasn't as important as I saw it. 

Live for me, Mutsuki, live.

"Urie, you're spacing out again."

 "Sorry, just thinking of you again." I winked seductively and grinned.

The green haired boy's face reddened faster than I could blink, he fell for that flirt line hard. Very, _very_ hard.

Mutsuki tried shaking his blush away, "S-Say, did you get that off the internet? Because you aren't smart enough-"

"Mutsuki, I'm flirting with you, not trying to insult you. Those are two completely different things."

"Right..." The green haired boy stared at me for a couple minutes, I stared back.

It turned into a staring contest before he pecked me on the nose and I blinked, then I hit him with a couch pillow nearby and he fell over.

"Fuck you!" Mutsuki laughed.

I toppled onto him and joined in on the laughter.

That is, until I whispered into the shell of his ear, "Don't you mean, 'fuck me'?"

Mutsuki went back to the stuttering ball of embarrassment, he quickly scramble to his knees and hit me on the back of the neck.

"You huge dick!"

"You're right! I do have a huge dick!" I was on a fucking roll today, I don't think I've laughed this hard in my entire life.

I kissed him gently, my arms wrapping around his waist.

We pulled away and the green haired boy smiled, "Shall we?"

I stood up and pulled him up with me. Straightening my trench coat, I returned the smile.

"We shall."

* * *

 Mutsuki and I walked around in the magical sunset, the sun falling down slowly but efficiently.

He sighed and watched as different hues of purples, pinks, yellows, and oranges danced elegantly like a ballroom dance.

The winter was passing and a lovely spring awakened, leaving flowers to bloom and birds to sing.

Mutsuki stopped at a restaurant, it was nice and fancy and probably expensive.

I slightly gawked at the elegance of the restaurant, definitely something Shirazu could never affor.

At the same time, that orange haired jock uses all of the pay checks he gets for two things; alcohol or tickets to loud concerts.

I suddenly feel bad for Sasaki since he's the one paying all the taxes for a house of four.

We were seated and I looked around, "This looks like a table for two."

A smile curved from the edges of Mutsuki's lips, "It is indeed."

Wow, a petty lie to manage a date. Smooth Mutsuki, smooth.

He pulled out a long paper and pointed at different scribbles of writing.

"This is a fully planned out schedule for our date." The green haired boy announced with pride ringing in his voice.

I snatched the schedule and scanned over it for a minute, then I ripped it in half and threw it in my drink, I drank the sparkling champagne with the torn paper in it and sighed.

"Fuck schedules, I don't follow them." 

A mixture between comical pain and surprise showed on Mutsuki's face, he probably spent a lot of time planning out the entire thing.

The problem was that I could barely give a shit about things that are pre-planned out.

"Oh well," the green haired boy laughed.

* * *

 We walked around the area, excitement boiling in our stomachs.

I stopped to sit by a fountain, Mutsuki sat down and stretched his arms behind his back.

He rested his head on my shoulder and I groaned.

"Oh come on, it's not even eight yet, you can't be tired already!" I pulled him straight up and picked him up.

The green haired boy laid in my arms, stunned, "W-Wow... Y-you're pretty strong, ehh..." 

I chuckled, seeing him stammering like this with a cherry red face is amusing to the end.

After ten steps forward, I dropped Mutsuki, we found ourselves in the center of a mural on the ground made of precious stones varying in different shapes and colors, people danced to the four-person band on the edges of the mural.

I softly grabbed Mutsuki's hand and twirled him around, he landed in my arms with a smile brushed across his face.

We danced a little more, following the beat of the small band and humming along to the main singer. 

The blissful music eventually died down, waking us from our endless dream and returning us to the lives we had before. It was like the departure of your sleep, opening your eyes to the cruel world before you. But then you realize...

the world isn't as cruel when you have somebody to love, you aren't as lonely as you were before, everything is blossoming and beginning to free itself from the burning chains of hatred. You started to feel like the dream is right in front of you, your humanity just reminds you constantly that's it there, alive and well as long as the most important person to you is safe in your arms.

Love is what makes us human.

I lightly gripped Mutsuki's hand, his fingers met mine and they intertwined.

He stared into my eyes, I could see the far galaxies twinkling in his green eyes, joy and affection sparkling in the place of stars.

"I love you." Were the words I could never say enough, repeated every single day with a different tone, only for the green haired boy to smile and say them back.

The stars above us shimmered and shined, along with the new moon, which remained a dark orb of pitiful black, blending with the sky neatly.

There were many words I chose to lodge down my throat, secrets I kept to my self no matter what.

Dark and mysterious almost like the moon, a pale light surrounding itself in darkness.

The moon was always my favorite, there were many moons that assisted the planets in any way they could. All the moons had their own individual names and were treated like a single being, they all hold so much importance that nobody realizes.

On the other hand, Mutsuki was very much like the sun; bright and blithesome.

He gave off rays of pure happiness and light, making everybody around him smile and find the part of them that was important.

That's why I love him so much, Mutsuki ignored all the darkness and only focused on the refreshing light that he wonderfully bathed in, the green haired boy shined and touched every part of the world, holding it gently in his olive hands and hugging it affectionately regardless the dangers behind it.

"Hey Mutsuki," I said, breaking the threading silence.

"Mhm?" He turned his head to me.

I took his face in my hands, "Live for me, please." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough* "Love is what makes us human" is a reference to Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart by George DeValier- *cough*


	9. Those Who Inflict Pain on Others

The darkness was yet again accompanying me, this was while Mutsuki bathed himself in sunlight outside.

"Come on Urie! It's so nice outside!" The green haired boy called, a smile bright and fresh on his face.

I threw another blanket over myself, "No thanks..."

For some reason the spring was cold, I loved the winter because of snow and hibernating humans clearing up the area, but spring just wasn't the right season for me. 

Rain was everywhere you walked, umbrellas are expensive, the petals from flowers get in your food, animals are absolutely everywhere.

It was so  _irritating_.

The sound of Mutsuki laughing made me slightly smile, the laughing stopped dead and soon turned into choking.

I leaped out of the bed and ran to the green haired boy standing on the balcony, I slammed my lips against his and the coughing ceased.

"You didn't have to kiss me, I was only choking on a cherry blossom petal..." Mutsuki snaked his arms around my neck.

"' _I was only choking_ ' really? You could of died, death by choking on a cherry blossom petal... how pitiful." I chuckled darkly, scaring him marginally.

I pulled Mutsuki into a hug and buried my face in his green hair, it was soft and light like the rest of him.

He pushed me out of the hug and folded his arms, "I'm mad at you."

"You could of said that in a more nonchalant manner instead of folding your arms and pouting like the two year old that you are." I raised an eyebrow, angering him even more.

The green haired boy had a face red with rage, his hands were curled into fists and his shoulders were perked up, and to top it all off, his nose was scrunched and his lips formed a pout.

So. Fucking. Adorable.

I found myself flushing a dark pink at the sight of Mutsuki, he didn't even know how cute he was acting right now.

"W-What are you looking at, idiot!" The sunlight shone on him perfectly, giving him a glow-like look as he pouted.

"So cute..." I whispered, my voice loud enough for Mutsuki to hear.

His forest green eyes widened, then softened.

"Have I ever told you how goddamm adorable you are?" I approached Mutsuki and brushed my thumb against his olive-toned face.

The green haired boy smiled, "You can go from death to cuddles, that's what I love about you Urie." 

"Really? Is that _all_? I expect more from you, Mutsuki." I snickered and pecked the bridge of his nose.

* * *

"Hello, and welcome to :Re." A waitress greeted, her voice equivalent to chirping blue birds.

Sasaki fixed his tie and blushed mildly like a little kid acting in front of his crush.

It made my day.

"H-Hi... I'd to order a c-cappuccino, p-please." Sasaki refused eye contact with the waitress.

His actions made Shirazu and I laugh, we muffled our laughter and banged our fists on the table.

Here was Sasaki, a polite, modest man who worked hard and never stuttered in his entire life, stammering like a bashful idiot in front of the gorgeous waitress of :Re.

Hilarious.

Mutsuki tilted his head in confusion, he shrugged and watched over Saiko's shoulder for some entertainment. The blue haired girl was violently playing a game of Mario Kart on her pale pink Nintendo, the thing was bedazzled with tiny rhinestones and neat anime stickers.

"One coffee, please, extra creamer and sugar, and whipped cream please." Saiko said, refusing to look up from her game.

"Coming right up~ What about you three?" The waitress smiled, jotting down our orders on the tiny notepad she held.

"Black coffee for me, coffee with sugar for the orange idiot, and coffee with a fuckton of creamer for Mucchan." I listed, not stuttering once.

The moronic four all looked at me with eyes as wide as walls, it felt like four round gemstones of different colors staring at me.

"What?" I scoffed.

"You just called Mutsuki, 'Mucchan'..." Shirazu looked like he was going to pop.

I eyed them like they were lunatics, then shrugged it off, "Slip of my tongue."

"That was _not_ a slip of your tongue, you didn't hesitate for a second!" Sasaki blared.

"Don't scream in a restaurant, have you ever heard of manners?" I was getting annoyed.

Mutsuki looked at me with his emerald eyes, unbelieving of what he just heard from _me_.

I sighed, "Fine, I called him Mucchan, okay? Jesus, give me a break, will ya?"

Saiko simpered like a little devil, my hands were aching for something to grab... like her neck.

"I ship it." The blue haired girl smirked widely. 

* * *

We walked over to the bookstore, again.

Mutsuki needed to stop visiting his smug library friends, Takatsuki was really shady and Usagi was ruder than me ( _which wasn't something to be proud of_ ).

"Takatsuki-senpai~" the green haired boy sang, opening the bookstore doors slowly and waiting for a respond.

A cluster of green hair popped up from the back of one of the higher shelves, "Hello Mutsuki- waahhh!!"

The sound of crashing bookshelves and hardcover books rang sweetly in my ears, the destruction calmed me.

Usagi's glowering face emerged from the pile of books, Takatsuki soon came after with a chuckle in her throat.

"Oops, sorry about that!" she stood up and patted down her long skirt before approaching us.

Mutsuki looked up at me with a smile, I faked a smile and patted him on the head.

The green haired girl wasn't wearing her glasses today-

Wait.

It finally hit me...

My dark eyes widened, Takatsuki and Usagi weren't who they looked like  _at all_.

I remember those emerald green eyes dunked in the ocean, I remember that scowl and that messy hair.

"Ayato!" I yelled out of nowhere, alarming the three.

Usagi's eyes widened, along with Takatsuki's and Mutsuki's.

"Ayato's the name... of..." He gasped and snapped his neck towards the two standing in place with distressed looks on their faces.

Takatsuki was the first to snap, the bloodthirsty grin stretched on her face, she chuckled and then laughed wildly.

"What a pair of idiots!" She cackled, her wide eyes possessing a red light-like glow.

"Especially you, Mutsuki! HaHAHAHA!!" 

The green haired boy had melancholy and betrayal written all over his face, he was close to tears.

"S-Sen... You lied to me...?" The state of deception scared Mutsuki.

Usagi was still in shock, his eyes then darkened and he twisted a knife in between his fingers.

" _Liar_." Mutsuki growled.

The entire room went dead silent, their eyes fixing on the green haired boy.

The clicking of a pistol repeated in my ears, "You _liars_!"

He was holding a gun, pointed directly at 'Sen Takatsuki', his eyes had no light, for all his trust was gone.

But what scared me the most...

 _was that Mutsuki was holding a gun, ready to **shoot** and **kill** somebody_.

"You _tricked_ me, I thought you were my friends, you _lied_ to me and _played_ with my feelings, like _puppeteers_. I could never forgive you..." The green haired boy was going to do it, he was going to commit murder.

I had to do something, anything, but my body refused to move. My hands shook, my legs were frozen, this feeling was felt before, on a day in which I never want to remember.

"Mutsuki, no!"

I remember a single gunshot piercing through the air, I remember blood spilling on the floor but not a single person dropping with it, I remember holding onto Mutsuki like he was going to disappear if I let go. I remember his shaking hands dropping the gun and holding onto me, his loud crying muffled by my shoulder, I remember both Ayato and the green haired girl being completely speechless.

"I'm a murderer..." Mutsuki cried.

I held him closer and whispered in his ear, "You didn't hurt anybody, it barely skimmed the side of her head."

It was true, nothing was fatal, the wound could be patched with a damn band-aid.

My vision became blurry, the last thing I remembered before blacking out were two taller men next to Ayato and the girl; one wth a full mask, and one with a red mouth mask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized that i was using old aogiri this entire time, with 14 year old hottie ayato and noro and tatara, i'm sorry i just love all of them and i never wanted them to change at all, especially ayato


	10. Aogiri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to switch POV, so watch out, it's pretty easy to recognize who's talking

"Open your eyes." A deep voice commanded, and I did just that.

My blurry eyes awakened, I saw a group of people circle me.

"Where... am-" a sharp pain stabbed my arm, I screamed shortly and glared at the people around me.

"Payback, motherfucker." Ayato laughed darkly.

I smirked at the bandage tightly wrapped around his hand, my smirk dropped and my eyes widened.

"What did you do with Mutsuki?" I whispered.

A tall man with a red mouth mask glowered, "He's in-"

"Where did you put him?! You better not have laid a single finger on him!" I barked, chains rattling against my arms.

Great, I was being chained to the wall, this was just amazing.

"Mutuski isn't harmed, but if you keep struggling, _then he will be_." My breath hitched at the thought of the green haired boy getting hurt because of my stupid actions.

"It took Tatara-san and Noro-san some negotiating and rewards to keep me from murdering your little prince, he almost shot me in the head." The green haired girl nagged.

I rolled my eyes, "It barely skimmed against your head, stop your bitching, princess." 

The green haired girl pointed a gun at my forehead, I barely flinched.

"Shoot me, I dare you, it won't make any difference whatsoever." I said flatly, my voice grim enough to send chills up a deadman's spine.

She scoffed, "You aren't afraid of death?"

"There is a difference between those who fear death, and those who crave it. I crave death, anybody could kill me in any way possible and _I wouldn't give a single fuck about it,_ " I smirked, "You wanna know why?"

The green haired girl visibly shook, "Madman... you're a mad man..."

I laughed, the chains rattling as the smooth laughter flowed from my mouth.

"It's because I've been wanting to die this entire time. So stab me, shoot me, torture me, as long as I die in the end, I'll be satisfied." 

Ayato scowled, "What about him-"

" _Don't you dare touch Mutsuki_." I hissed, the wall slightly cracking from my attempt to lunge at the brat.

His blue eyes widened with fear, fear is what holds us back, fear is the reason why we don't do what we want to do; the fear of death, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of the unknown.

The man shot daggers at me, he raised his hand and five blades fell from the ceiling, hanging on chains much thinner than the ones around my wrists.

"Pick your punishment."

* * *

"Where...am... I?" I lifted my head, the ground was cold and wet.

I shivered and looked down, wasn't I wearing more clothes than this? Whatever, I just needed to know where I was.

Okay, so what happened the last few hours...

Urie and I, the Quinx all together and drinking coffee, Sen Takatsuki is actually-

oh fuck.

My neck snapped over to the only light source, which was coming in between thick bars that separated me and freedom.

I realized that these weren't even my clothes, I never owned a dirty white t-shirt that hung to my knees.

Instincts caught up and I dashed over to the bars, I shook them violently and screamed.

"Let me out! Let me out! Let me see Urie!" Tears stung my eyes- no, I wasn't going to cry, I was going to get out of here and see Urie and escape with him.

"Jeez, can you shut up? I was sleeping!" A loud voice yawned.

I looked up to where the voice came from, it was from a tall blonde man with hair that hung down to the start of his neck, he wore a white suit and heavy eyeliner ( _heavier than Urie's I would say_ ), and his eyes were bright red.

"I'm Naki, you?" He sneered, his hands on his hips and his chin held high.

I blinked, "Oh, I'm Mutsuki. Why am I here?" 

"You're here because boss wants you to be here, you aren't getting hurt- which is the good part- but your little friend might be..." Naki explained, I listened to every word and wished that I didn't.

"What?!" I leaped forward, "What are they going to do with Urie?"

"Ah, that's his name. Yeah, I don't know what they're going to do with Uroi." He shrugged.

I blinked again and stared, "Ur...oi? You mean _Urie_?"

"I said that, what do you think I said?" Naki raised an eyebrow.

"Nevermind! Nevermind!" I sighed, the air around me seemed colder than it was outside, I brought my knees to my chest and sulked.

"Are they... are they going to kill him?" The words felt like poison on my tongue, the thought of having Urie dead was worse than my own demise.

Naki stretched and sat down outside of my cell, "If he goes against their sayings, then they'll kill him. But I've messed with that boy before, and he's something tough, if he wants something then he'll get it no matter what. I should know that..."

He rubbed the front of his neck for some apparent reason, I smiled at what he said. Naki was right, he can withstand anything if it meant getting back to what he loves.

"That's good..." I buried my face in my knees, feeling my eyelids grow heavy as my breathing slowed.

* * *

 I coughed blood, it splattered on the floor but blended in with the puddles and puddles of blood that accompanied dropped weapons.

Or shall I say: dropped torturing tools.

"Are you dead yet?" The green haired girl complained, she sat in a chair nearby and watched as I lost more and more and more blood to the blades dragging along my skin.

"Pitiful, you must have something to live for since you haven't given up." The man narrowed his eyes at me.

The girl smirked, "Maybe it's the prince-"

A blade went flying towards her face, it almost hit her head but instead cut a couple strands of green hair off.

"Oi! Tatara-san, why would you let him get away with a blade in his hand!?" She panicked, standing straight up.

I rolled my eyes and scowled, "You need a muzzle."

"Hey!" The green haired girl took her hung gun and shot me in the side, I gritted my teeth and shot a glare at her.

The bullet didn't hit anything important like internal organs or bones, just some muscle and skin, but  _damn did it hurt_.

Now I know how Mutsuki felt. Speaking of Mutsuki, I should really get back to him, leaving him alone for too long would give him panic attacks and he wouldn't leave me alone for the next month or year.

The man put a hand on her's, he snatched the gun and put it in his own pocket.

"But Tatara!" She whined, louder than before.

It was like listening to a dog go without treats, annoying as hell. 

"Just kill me already! I can't stand her endless bitching!" I complained, offending the green haired girl to the point where she could easily lose it with just another complaint to bring her over the edge.

She grabbed the collar of my shirt, "Why you..."

I smirked and she snapped, slamming my head against the concrete wall.

A single ' _crack_ ' was heard throughout the emptiness of the room.

Ayato's eyes widened, along with the tall man's and the girl.

I hung silently, the chains still securing my wrists, blood dripped from my skull to my hair to my face, the red liquid trickled down from my forehead to my chin, dribbling and dropping off into tiny droplets of blood.

It was true that that particular hit to my head made me a deadman, my time was coming to an end...

and yet, it didn't.

I slowly raised my head, the smirk still standing on my face.

"T-That hit was a direct kill..." The green haired girl backed away, she gripped another gun in her other hand.

"Was it, really? I don't know if you know this but, any harm you do to me has already been done by myself." I held up my arm, the bandages around it twisted and unraveled gently onto the floor.

Ayato covered his mouth with his hand, everybody gazed at the deep cuts and bruises and injuries that lay behind the cloth bandages.

I chuckled, proud of myself for mortifying a group of bloodthirsty, terrifying criminals.

The sound of sirens and explosives caused them to snap their heads towards the exit, they ran for it and left me to die.

Oh well.

I played around with a silver bobby pin taken from Mutsuki and the keyholes to the chains until a reassuring 'click' rang in my ears.

My feet finally touched the floor, but were soaked in my own disgustingly  familiar blood.

I grimaced, slipping on my black trench coat and walking out the entrance.

I'm done with this bullshit.

* * *

 I was awakened by sirens, flashing lights, and the distressing sound of explosives.

"Naki! What's happening?" I jumped to my feet.

Naki was clearly panicking, he was pacing around in circles and pulling his hair and mumbling some simple words while tears ran sloppily down his face.

"Boss hasn't picked me up yet! We're gonna die here!" He screamed, the panic rising.

"N-No, no, it's okay! It's probably just-"

"Boss Yamori!" Naki screeched on the top of his lungs, like a baby crying for their mother.

He ran out the exit without putting a single thought to me. I pulled my knees to my chest and waited for somebody to come.

My eyelids felt heavy, I couldn't sleep, but a wave of drowsiness just took me in and left me to drown.

Until I heard footsteps, running towards the room I was in. I lifted my head and gasped at the three people running in.

One person was a very, very tall man with pale skin like the moon and hair as white as fresh snow.

The next person was a pretty lady with violet eyes and blonde hair braided along the sides of her head and put into a loose bun at the back.

The last person who came in was-

"Sasaki?!" I raised an eyebrow.

"Mutsuki?" He returned the confusion.

We both stared at each other for a couple seconds before the lady looked at him and nodded.

"We're here to save you," Sasaki smiled, maybe this was his job.

But I don't understand a job where he had to save people while dressing in such a nice white suit, I wasn't going to ask questions anyway so _oh well_.

The man busted open my cell, I walked out and breathed in the air... in which I probably shouldn't have breathed in, knowing that there's probably smoke everywhere from the explosives.

We started walking on the endless trail that was the exit.

"What about Urie?" I asked, walking along with them in the long tunnel that unwinded slowly and eventually ended at the sweet light of sunshine.

Sasaki looked back at me, " _What about_  Urie?"

My heart shattered and sank, I tried mustering the pieces to question them without crying.

The man spoke, "Urie isn't a priority right now-"

"He should be!" I cut him off, yelling with tiny droplets of tears in the corners of my eyes.

"Urie is just as important as, as you, as everybody! He should be somebody on the priority list! He should be somebody to save!" the words coming from my mouth was pure truth, Urie was just as important as everybody else, he wasn't better and he wasn't worse.

"Aw that's so sweet of you, Mutsuki." the familiar voice sang.

I turned my head to Urie, he was approaching us with blood on his shoes, face, basically everywhere. But he looked perfectly fine.

"Urie!" I screamed, running towards him and jumping into his arms.

He caught me and pressed his lips against mine, kissing me gently and elegantly.

"Okay now carry me, my feet hurt." I commanded, laying in his arms.

Urie sighed, "Fine, you weren't tortured for three hours, but fine. Because I love you."

The others- minus Sasaki- stared confusingly, they gave each other quick glances and stared in a frozen position as Urie kept walking.

"Arima, Akira, welcome to my world." Sasaki exhaled, a smile curving on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm never going to make eto a bitching scaredy cat ever again, i love her so much


	11. Shirazu's Party

I waited at the uncrowded reception, sitting on the white bench stitched with hard, uncomfortable fabric. I waited for Urie to come out perfectly fine like he usually would.

But this time was different.

This time, Urie wasn't perfectly fine, the voices of doctors, surgeons, and nurses echoed in my head. 

They said that he was badly hurt, they said he might not be the same anymore.

It made me want to scream, all I wish is for him to come out a fine, healthy man just like every other hospital trip.

Compared to Urie, I was a weakling... he could stand things like that monstrous torture and still carry me home, he could get stabbed or shot and wouldn't complain about it. Whilst whenever  _I_ got shot or stabbed or hurt in any way, I'd cry like a baby and run to Urie for protection.

My hand curled into a fist, it tightened until my knuckles turned white out of sheer anger- no-  _envy_. Not even envy, I didn't know! Urie was just something so  _unlike me_. He was the moon and I was the sun, he was quiet and I was loud, he was strong and I was weak.

Do I hate myself for it or do I hate him for it? 

I leaned back into the wall and hit my head, the sharp pain absorbed into my frustration and my teeth gritted.

The two wide, blue doors opened, I quickly sat up and beamed at the sight of Urie.

My smile faded, he was bundled in a questionable amount of bandages, mainly his arms and legs and one of his cheek, but what was the difference between these bandages and the ones he wore every single day?

"Are you feeling okay?" I smiled again, my green eyes sparkling.

* * *

I stared down at Mutsuki, his green eyes sparkled with anxiety and hope, like the stars in the sky falling down to the greenest of grassy meadows.

"I'm perfectly fine, thanks." I said flatly, pushing him away as I walked towards the exit.

"Two weeks until I take these off... I think... well,  _I'm_ taking these stupid bandages off in a week whether the doctor wants me to or not." I tugged at the tightly wrapped cloth, it was white and a lot better than the ones I usually use.

He hugged me, squeezing me tight and pressing his face against my side.

It probably felt worse as a hug not given back than the reality of a one-sided hug... which was the same exact thing.

"Idiot." Mutsuki slightly sobbed, I could hear his voice cracked but muffled in my trench coat.

"You could of gotten yourself killed... _then_ what would I do?" The green haired boy was anything but wrong.

I placed a kiss on his forehead, "We can discuss this back at home, Shirazu's here."

The black Mercedes pulled up and Shirazu rolled down the window, shades on and everything.

"I'm here to pick up some cool kids," he grinned, pulling down the sunglasses until they hit the bridge of his nose, he wiggled his eyebrows and I swear I could of killed him on the spot.

"Get me to my fucking house before I strangle you." I growled, opening the door and stepping inside.

* * *

To put it in a few short words; the car ride was hell.

It was fine until Shirazu put on his stupid music and started acting as if gnats were in his shoe. Then he flirt with girls during the three minute red lights, the problem was, they were looking at me.

Mutsuki was asleep on my shoulder, so that made it a little better.

But forty-five minutes of girls giggling, loud trashy music, and Shirazu complaining about his first-world problems could of driven me insane.

But we were home, finally home, I wanted to show Mutsuki something special that I haven't shown anybody else, but...

I think I'll save it for later.

I carried him to the bed and laid him down to sleep, the boy had a rough time worrying about something as small and worthless as me.

The bathroom light was left on, damn that's bad for my electric bill. But, the flickering light and my reflection slightly showing in the mirror and open door sort of... _called me_.

No. No, I shouldn't. Mutsuki's here and that's too much of a risk.

He'd be angry, he'd be worried about me, pacing back and forth and questioning my sanity while his slowly died down to a dull point.

I yawned, stretching my arms and cursing at the sharp pain making its way through my muscles.

The bathroom light was still on, which was a problem, so I walked into the bathroom and turned it off.

A piece of metal shined in the flickering lights, I saw my opened switchblade in the corner of my eye through the reflection in the mirror.

It taunted me, longing for the feel of my pale skin and my blood.

"Urie..." Mutsuki shifted in his sleep and I twitched.

He was too much of a risk for me, I wanted to give him all the good parts of me, the parts that didn't hurt myself.

He slightly opened his eyes, eyelashes fluttering and green eyes not yet full of color and life.

"Urie... I'm cold..." Mutsuki complained, patting the empty side of the bed and gesturing me to get in with him.

Fine, why not? Some sleep would help anyway, I was absolutely beat.

I wrapped my arms around his stomach, pressing my face against his abdomen. 

"Hey, what're your bandages for?" The green haired boy asked groggily as if he were sleep-talking.

My eyes shot open, I dreaded this question from the day I met him. I always knew his never-ending curiosity would get him _here_ someday.

Mutsuki's sweet but sleepy voice snapped me out of my inner thoughts, "Urie, you aren't answering the question-"

"They aren't for anything." I said quickly, it was easy to know that was a lie but since the boy was tired I guessed that he couldn't tell the difference.

Mutsuki blinked, "Liar, I know I'm sleepy and all but I'm not an idiot."

Okay, playing the guessing game wasn't the best when you played with Mutsuki. 

I sighed and rubbed my cheek against his abdomen, earning a quiet laugh out of it.

"Nooo, you're going to distract me if you do that!" The green haired boy giggled.

"Shh, don't yell." I hushed him.

Mutsuki stuck his tongue out, "I'm sorry to break it to ya, Urie, but this isn't a library."

"Don't turn into Shirazu. If you do, then I'll kick you out." I joked, a serious tone adding to my voice.

He laughed for a couple seconds, then turned silent, along with the room. I sighed heavily, creating the only sound in the house. Everything seemed to stop, completely still with no interruptions.

No interruptions other than the door suddenly slamming open, I was guessing it was...

"Shirazu's here!" The orange haired jock screamed.

Called it.

"If you're going to break into my house- despite the fact you have an extra key- at least make an effort to be a little less irritating than you actual are, starting with the third person point of view. You aren't the narrator of your story." I sat up and punched him in the stomach, causing him to bend down in pain, I leaned to the side and rested my elbow on his head.

"So, you were saying...?" I lifted my chin, creating a powerful look that surrounded me.

Mutsuki looked around, he shrugged and collapsed on his pillow.

"Now," I averted my eyes to Shirazu, "Why are you here?"

"Well, I kind of hosted a party and told everybody to come here-"

My eyes widened with completely rage, I took my elbow off him and kicked him in the stomach and stepped on his chest while he laid on the floor.

"You better give me a good-ass reason not to break your entire rib cage." the aura of darkness surrounded me, spreading fear in every corner of the house with a single glare.

"It'll be fun~" Shirazu ceased to wipe the excited smirk off his  _stupid_ face.

The green haired boy nodded in agreement, "You don't have guests a lot, and Sasaki doesn't let us party ever since the... er...  _graduation party_..."

I didn't even  _want_ to know what happened  _there_. If it was Shirazu's graduation, I don't expect less than rave music, giant balloons, screaming and dancing past midnight, and many,  **many** complaints from neighbors.

"C'mon, Urie, please!" The orange haired jock pleaded, Mutsuki joined in.

"Please! Please, Urie! Please!" 

* * *

The thing was, I never said yes.

I leaned against the wall while about thirty people danced and yelled in my one-story apartment.

There was alcohol and food and people everywhere I looked. Loud music blasted throughout the entire building, accompanied by people screeching like banshees to the lyrics.

I would be anything but surprised if I was kicked out the next day.

My head turned to the deafening sound of Mutsuki's singing. He held a wine bottle in the air as he screamed into a microphone and danced on my table.

"Urie!" A voice called, I looked to my side and saw the waitress from the other day standing next to me.

"Oh hey, what're you doing here?" I raised an eyebrow, seriously, what _was_ she doing here?

She was wearing a black tank top with jean-shorts and a long, silk, floral cardigan.

"Didn't ya know? I'm Sasaki's girlfriend." The word 'Sasaki' and 'girlfriend' were the only words that got through.

I blinked and widened my eyes, "Huh?"

She laughed and held out her hand, I took it but refused to shake it.

"I'm Touka Kirishima, I work at the café nearby called :Re."

The last name Kirishima clicked in my head. I thought about all the possible names that could match up with it, which wasn't hard because I only knew about twenty different people and names, maybe fifteen.

"Ayato." I said, eyes closed.

Touka nodded, "What about my brother?"

"Your brother's a dickhole." I instantly said, it was the truth. I hated Ayato with all the hate I could ever muster, which was a lot.

Touka chuckled, her baby blue hair swayed to the side. An arm was thrown over her shoulder, said arm belonged to Sasaki, who was only a little drunk.

And when I say 'a little', I really mean he could fall over at any second.

The waitress smiled, "I'll be back."

She carried her boyfriend to my bedroom, probably because she wanted to put him to sleep.

Yeah...

I walked over to my now-broken table. Mutsuki rested his head on my shoulder, I minded it because it was Mutsuki out of all people and what could he possibly do wrong?

Well I was wrong, because he can do a lot of things wrong.

The green haired boy started nibbling at my shoulder, then moved up to my neck, it wasn't effective at the least but it was uncomfortably embarrassing.

"Mhmm... Cookie..." He mumbled, hot, alcohol-scented breath against my neck.

I internally counted the amount of regrets he would have to apologize for tomorrow, I really wish everybody would get out before they saw something they didn't want to see.

"Brooo!" Shirazu hollered, walking up to me and tripping on his own feet.

I've seen Shirazu drunk before, I've seen Shirazu high before, I've seen Shirazu almost kill himself before.

All I have to say was that all but the last one were the worst experiences I've ever had.

I flicked Mutsuki on the nose and he made an animal-like whimper noise, causing the orange haired jock to lash out at me.

"Hey! Don't hit my brother like that!" he screamed, throwing a weak punch.

I easily dodged it and ignored him. You know the different types of drunk? Happy drunk- which was apparently Mutsuki-, sleepy drunk, horny drunk, angry drunk... I didn't know and I didn't care, drinking was only when I was alone and going over my self-worth.

Oh yeah, back to the point, Shirazu was... _every_ drunk.

It was like he had mood swings when consuming alcohol; he'll be angry, he'll be flirtatious, he'll be super happy, and sometimes he'll be sad and complain about every little inconvenience that happens in his life.

All of Shirazu's drunk types made me want to die a little more.

I opened the door to my room, if I tried hard enough, I could probably sleep through the music and wake up to a lonely house the next day.

I looked inside my room and instantly closed the door, my bedroom seemed... _occupied at the moment._

Oh well, I guess it's the couch for me. The second I sat on the couch, three people fell on top of me.

Actually, outside didn't sound too bad in this situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't you believe it guys??? already 11 chapters of this goddamn bullshit  
> this stories probably going to last 15 chapters, if not, then 17 max  
> i'm happy that you liked it  
> \- Ami


	12. Bleed Me Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short

I woke up in a sea of balloons and streamers, the first thing I felt when I opened my eyes was sheer pain.

It coursed through my brain and rattled my skull like a bullet to the head.

I screamed, it hurt so much, _too much for me_.

"Can you shut up, please?" The familiar voice growled, I looked up to him with watery eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, it hurts. Just drink some water and I'll give you some Advil." Urie threw three empty bottles of alcohol into the trash.

He pulled a deflated blow-up shark balloon with an orange wig off of the counter, wait no, that was Shirazu.

"Oh yeah, you kissed thirteen different people and tired to bang me about five times." Urie said, smirking but not looking back.

My entire face burst into redness, I felt like screaming until my vocal cords exploded.

"WHAT?!" I shrilled, wiping my lips with my arm as many times as I could.

* * *

The green haired boy flushed red and wiped his mouth before running up to me and throwing his arms around me.

"Don't worry, I'm not mad or anything." I rolled my eyes.

"How are you not mad?" Mutsuki's voice still slurred, it was cute though.

I sighed, "Because you were drunk and unable to think correctly, jeez, why do you think?" 

"Also, can you help me clean up this mess-" I turned my head only to see him out cold on the floor.

For a second, I thought about making Shirazu clean the mess... it was _his_ party that he didn't ask permission for until the last second, yeah that sounded like a good idea.

I left a post-it note on the couch next to Shirazu's sleeping body and decided to get some rest... after I washed my sheets for _reasons_ that shouldn't be spoken.

I kicked the two naked bodies off of my bed and threw the blanket, bedsheets, and pillows in the wash.

It was beyond disgusting to sleep in a bed which had other people's left over sex written all over it and not yours.

I shivered, walking over to clean while I waited for the dryer to be done.

Most of it was popped balloons, broken or empty alcohol bottles, and scattered cookie crumbs.

Who even brought cookies? 

I remade the bed with my _clean_ sheets. Finally, some decent sleep.

Now that I thought of it, I never really had sex with Mutsuki. It's been... maybe a month or two since we got together.

 We share a bed, but that's only for cuddling. I accidentally walked in on him in the shower, thankfully he was facing the other way.

Mutsuki has a nice ass, and really really nice legs. His thighs are a gift from God.

I blinked, what the fuck am I thinking?

"Mutsukiii!" I called, waiting for the sound of slow feet walking towards me.

But silence draped itself over the apartment room. I would usually find it peaceful, but I found myself wanting to spend all my time doing nothing but talking to him.

Mutsuki's voice was like a safe haven from this hellish world, his singing was as graceful as the warm embrace of an angel.

Of course, I didn't tell him that I could hear him when he sang, mainly because the embarrassment would cause him to stop.

I didn't want him to stop, his singing was calming and beautiful.

Just like the rest of him.

* * *

 "My head still hurts!" The green haired boy complained, downing another mug of water.

"I'm sorry, I can't help you. Three pills are enough, you don't want to end up like me..." I muttered the last part, looking away and resting my cheek on my palm.

Thankfully, Shirazu cleaned the house before I could stab him to death.

Forget that last part.

Mutsuki was laying down next to me on the couch, he was still extremely hungover and apparently in a serious amount of pain.

He poked me in the cheek, "Can you kiss it and make it better?"

"Um, I don't think that's going to change anything...?" I raised an eyebrow, he was more hungover than I thought.

Well I did it anyway, I pressed my lips against his forehead and got a small giggle out of it.

"It tickles!" Mutsuki smiled.

His voice, his laugh, his smile, his singing, his optimistic attitude opposing my sharp tongue, they were some of the many reasons why I loved him so.

He ended falling asleep again, in my arms like he would usually do. 

Days like these where the sun was covered by the rolling fog blankets, where the peaceful silence was the only noise in the entire building, where there was nobody to disturb anything... those days were the best.

About an hour passed and if Mutuski was still hungover, he needed medical help.

"Mutsuki~" I sang, waking him up.

The green haired boy's eyes fluttered open, he looked up at me and smiled, "Yes?"

Okay, so he wasn't slurring and he didn't seem to be dizzy or have any problems standing up. No pain was shown on his face, those were all good signs.

"Can I show you something?" I held his face in my hands.

"Of course! But can you let go of me first?" Mutsuki chuckled.

We walked over to the bedroom, he sat down in the middle of the bed as I shed my black tench coat.

I unwrapped the bandages that were always tightly wrapped around my arms, it fell onto the floor in an almost hypnotizing way, heaping into a pile.

Mutsuki opened his eyes to the sight of my bare arms, his eyebrows furrowed in worry.

"I-I honestly thought..." He lined the pearly white slices with his finger carefully, cuts on top of cuts on top of cuts. It was easy to know which ones were new and which ones were healing.

"I believed this entire time... that you just got into an accident..." Tears started gathering in his eyes, they fell sorely on my arm, "I never thought of this..."

He looked up at me with puffy red eyes, "Does it hurt?"

I didn't know the answer, yes it hurt, but the pain was almost bittersweet.

"Kind of... It's soothingly sweet, that's how I'll put it." My voice was reduced to a whisper, guilt made its way through my senses.

Mutuski, please don't look at me with those regretful eyes. Those eyes full of tears instead of happiness and wonder.

"But yes, it hurts a lot. The switch blade dragging along my skin, the major loss of blood, the pain-killer medication, it all hurts a lot." I watched as his eyes widened with every word.

They were fearful, he gulped and covered his mouth with his hand.

The cuts ran across my entire arm, dancing mischievously on my skin and burning holes into my flesh. 

"Can I see the switch blade?"

"Okay...?" I handed him the weapon, it sat in his palm for a couple seconds before he gripped it tightly and threw it out the window.

I watched as my source of protection and harm crashed through the window and landed on the ground beneath.

"Why did you do that?!" I yelled, standing up.

"Because I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore!" The green haired boy screamed.

He didn't understand, the blade hadn't touched my skin ever since we kissed. That I never felt alone when he was with me, that I let my body heal itself for once because his words and beauty and everything that had to do with him distracted me from the pain.

He didn't understand that _he was my cure_.

"I haven't been hurting myself!" I yelled again, silencing him, "Ever since you kissed me! Ever since we were together! I haven't used the switch blade for anything but _protecting you_!"

Mutsuki covered his face with his palms, messier tears leaked from his green eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that..." He sobbed.

Anger still boiled in my system, for all I knew, the switch blade was broken.

"Never do anything like that ever again!" I roared, my voice loud and dreadful.

My rage died down as I looked at two things: a helpless, crying boy who made a mistake, and a broken window.

I sighed, the window didn't cost too much to get repaired, but Mutsuki was pretty much scarred for his entire life.

I took his face in my hand, lining his jaw with my finger and kissing him slowly.

We pulled apart and he rested his head on my shoulder, "I'm sorry..."

"Me too," I sighed, although I _will_ miss the switch blade, nothing makes me happier than seeing the green haired boy care about my safety.

"But promise me that... you'll never hurt yourself again, okay?"

I smiled, "Okay."

_Mutsuki, I'm sorry I lied._


	13. The Summer Is Sweet On My Tongue

The last time I opened my dark purple eyes, the sun was high and mighty, it shined with almost a blinding amount of sunlight in a sky that lacked clouds.

Otherwise known as, "The Perfect Day".

I sighed, pushing the sunglasses up to the bridge of my nose and shoving my hands in my pockets.

Despite the unbearable heat, I still wore my trusty black trench coat and jeans, no pesky pedestrian was suppose to see or question my scars and bandages.

I knocked on the large white door, a couple voices screeched from the other side and it quietly opened. The green haired boy was dressed in shorts and a loose white tank top with skinny letters writing out the words, 'The Neighbourhood'.

"Nice choice of shirt." I grinned, taking his olive hand.

"Thanks, they're a nice band." He laced his fingers with mine.

Saiko popped her head out the door, "Cut the small talk and make out already!"

Mutsuki squeaked, a red blush brushed across his face.

I snapped my head directly to that bratty little, blue haired, shitstain excuse of a human

"Why, you!" I ran towards her but she slammed the door close.

"If you didn't have that door to save you, I'd be dumping your disembodied limbs into the ocean!" I banged my fists on the white door.

My anger softened as I took a deep breath and looked back at Mutsuki.

"Shall we?" I took his hand once again, squeezing it softly.

He smiled and gazed at me with those innocent green eyes of his, "We shall."

Tokyo is a great city when it isn't crowded with tourists and burning with upcoming summer heat.

April was coming to an end and June rolled in quickly.

Have you ever heard of the term, 'June gloom'? Yeah, that didn't exist here.

Here, rain and clouds covered the bright sun until the end of April, then June bursts with sunlight and everybody burns to death.

Okay, that last part was an exaggeration, but still.

  
Mutuski looked around, gasping at every noise and trying to get his eyes on any shiny object that was held.

He was like a little kid going to an amusement park for the first time in his life. It was cute.

"Hey, Mucchan," I caught his attention with the nickname.

The green haired boy tilted his head, the golden sunshine shone on his green hair, it gave him an angel-like glow that added to his already-angelic beauty.

"Mhm?"

A smile played on my lips, "Where do you wanna go?"

His eyes lit up with a million ideas, like the billions of stars gleaming in the night sky.

"For starters, I'm starving, so let's get a bite to eat!" Mutsuki pointed at the cluster of food stands pushed up against each other and steaming with the fresh smell of food and smoke.

We both looked at each other and smiled, "Time to eat!"

* * *

 

Long story short; I almost passed out.

The food was good, really really good, I'm surprised it wasn't drugged by how good it was.

Okay, I'm over-reacting, of course it wouldn't be drugged... maybe.

I yawned, throwing my arm around Mutsuki's shoulder and kissing his cheek.

"Urie... I'm tired..." He rested on my shoulder, I pulled him up and flashed a smile.

"We're not done here." I beamed, the sun shining brightly on my face.

He stood straight up and gripped my hand, "Yeah! Let's go!"

* * *

We ran along the markets, along the sidewalks, dancing across the streets and laughing harder than we ever imagined.

We screamed, we sang, we talked, it felt like what true heaven felt like; being with nobody but the one you love, ignoring everything but them.

The consequences, the aftermath, the rules, non of it mattered. Because right now, it was just Mutsuki and me.

We walked barefooted along the beach, feeling the waves brush against our feet and talking until we had nothing left to talk about.

"I love you." I said for the hundredth time, but he didn't seem to get tired of it.

"I love you more." The green haired boy giggled.

I chuckled, "Nuh uh."

"Yeah huh!" He gave me a slight push on the chest and I tumbled back a few steps.

I gave him a push in return and he fell into the water.

"Oh my god! Are you okay?!" I couldn't help but laugh.

I reached for his hand and he gladly pulled me down, now we were both partially wet and sitting in the sand with our ankles deep in the water.

Mutsuki wrapped his arms around my neck, he slammed his lips into mine and I kissed back.

We ended up getting washed over by a wave. He coughed and laughed at the inconvenience.

Now the both of us were soaking wet, dripping with sea water.

"I still love you!" I called from a meter away, gaining a small smile.

"I still love you more!" He called back.

"Oh, we'll see about that!" I stood up and ran over to him.

I tackled the green haired boy and ticked him until all the air left his lungs.

"Stop! Stop! I'm gonna fucking piss myself!" Mutsuki rolled over and got a face full of sand, which I laughed at.

The end of this day would be the death of me.

I remember when I wanted to die, when I had nobody to care about and nothing to treasure.

But by the end of this day, I realized that all I want to do is be in love with Tooru Mutsuki, in any form possible.

We sat on the beach and watched as the sunset slowly unfolded, pinks and purples and oranges and yellows sprawled everywhere like a wet watercolor painting.

Our fingers interlaced and our eyes met; forest green staring into dark purple, olive skin intertwining with pale skin.

Flesh, bones, and endless generosity is what made up Mutsuki. He was just so perfect but flawed at the same time, unable to let go of the smallest, most unimportant things.

"My lungs hurt." The green haired boy stuck out his tongue.

"That's what happens when you laugh too hard~" I smirked, quickly pecking his nose.

He scrunched his nose and lightly punched my arm, "No, that's what happens when I get knocked out by a wave while kissing you."

"You make that sound like a bad thing." I snickered, rubbing a wet strand of hair in between my fingers.

"Almost breaking my neck on a wave, yes. Kissing you, no." Mutsuki corrected himself.

"That's better!" My eyes lit up, we both sat up simultaneously and ran up the beach to the sidewalk.

The first thing we saw was a lone stand, it was run by a single, tired man who had about two dozen sparklers.

"Lets buy all of them." I said, eyeing the sparklers.

The green haired boy turned his head to me, "Yes."

We spent fifty dollars on twenty-four sparklers, it was probably the best decision we ever made.

"Wait, we aren't allowed to have flammable items like fireworks and sparklers on the beach." he held them up.

I shrugged, "There isn't anybody stopping us."

"That's illegal... I love it." Mutsuki took out a box of matches and started lighting the beauties up.

He ran around the beach with the sparklers while I sat down and watched as it sparkled endlessly until it quickly died down.

"Urie, that's a waste of sparklers!" the green haired boy screamed, still running.

"Well yeah? _That's_ a waste of energy!"

I heard the sweet sound of Mutsuki's laughter until he fell and screamed.

My boyfriend senses went off and I dashed to his side, "Are you hurt?!"

"I dropped a sparkler on my leg! It died off on impact but it hurts!" He screeched in pain.

Okay, I know it's really mean, but I couldn't help but die of laughter.

I fell over on my side, "Jesus fuck! You messed up there!"

He ended up getting his leg wrapped, he was still perfectly fine but still insisted that I carried him around the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I forgot that June was actually rain season in Tokyo. Sorry!


	14. Love Of Mine

"It's kind of like the feeling in your heart when you see the person you like." Mutsuki said, his eyes focusing on mine.

I stared at him for a couple of seconds, "What?"

"You know," he tapped his fingers together and looked down, "Th-The tingly feeling! Like, like everyday when you see the person you love around you, you haven't told that person yet because you're afraid. Lots of people are afraid, they're afraid of rejection and hate, that's why people don't immediately tell their one-sided loved ones that they like them. But Urie, you're different, the first time I ever looked at you, I knew you were somebody special. I already figured out that you didn't think that way, but I thought you were somebody with worth. I didn't tell you that I loved you when I met you, that's because you were still growing used to me... and I was really happy when you said you loved me, because all this time... I thought you resented me, I thought you found me as some annoying little boy. But now that you love me back, the feeling isn't.. quite gone, it's a different feeling now, like a warm feeling."

He paused to think and went on, "The feeling that you get when you see somebody who knows and loves you, the feeling of excitement and affection, the feeling that makes your brain say: 'Hey, I like being around you and you feel the same way, that makes me feel special like you'. The rush of adrenaline when you hold my hand or the overload of endorphins when you tell me it's okay,"

"Mutsuki, endorphins don't work like that-"

"I know that! I know that!" The green haired boy lightly pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm just trying to say... you mean something- no, you mean _a lot_ to me, Urie. I don't want to live in a world without you, I don't want to be separated from you, even if it costs me my life." Mutsuki tightened his grip on my hand, determination and passion burned in his green eyes.

Guilt stabbed me like a knife, sharp and painful, he really cared about me. I didn't know what to say about it, the words I wanted to string just retreated back into my mouth.

The three simple words have been said enough, I couldn't think of anything else to say other than 'I love you'.

Because love was not enough, love wasn't the right word to say, love was merely a word of simpleton.

"You mean everything to me." I hadn't even realize those words left my mouth, it left my mouth dry and empty, completely speechless.

  
The green haired boy had a pink blush painted widely across his face, he stared at me with wide, green eyes more magical than I've ever seen.

Mutsuki was really a work of art, delicate and beautiful like a porcelain statue, such a delightful human to treasure in your heart.

"Urie, understand that the feeling I keep in my heart is only kept together by you. Not by my family, not by anybody else, Kuki Urie. You and _only_  you, you aren't replaceable."

I felt replaceable by many, so many could find somebody better than me, somebody happier and more reliable.

But Mutsuki just caught my heart so easily, he believed in me when nobody else wanted to, he knew me even though he didn't, Mutsuki could see through me like glass. He had the ability to mend every single broken piece back together no matter how many pieces he had to pick up in order to put it back together.

I leaned down and kissed him on the corner of his mouth, then his lips. Slowly and gently, no passion burned in the kiss, just light affection. Mutsuki pulled away and pecked my lips before hugging me.

"I'm glad to have you." He smiled.

I picked him up by the waist and smiled brighter than the sun, surprise was written on his face, but then it turned into pure joy.

"What if we got married?" Mutsuki asked out of the blue.

I immediately dropped him and wore a mix of fear and happiness, "I- uh- oh Jesus..."

The green haired boy stood up and grabbed both my hands, he squeezed them gently between his own and puffed his cheeks.

"What? What's wrong with that idea?" Every word that left his mouth had me visibly shaking.

What was wrong with that idea? _Everything_.

"Everything was wrong with the idea of us getting married. For starters, I still have to finish college, and you have to get into one. Also I don't have a job, or a proper house, or a job-"

"You said job twice." Mutsuki's eyebrow twitched.

"-and, and you know what? If we get married, we're destined to get a child." _That_ was what got him worried.

Mutsuki smiled widely and awkwardly, beads of sweat raining down his face, "Actually... let's _not_ get married..."

"Wait, why?" I blinked, then raised my eyebrow.

"Uh... You listed all of the reasons, so let's just go along with our lives and stay together but not until the day we die." He said quickly, sweating even harder.

I narrowed my eyes, " _Oh_ , so you're trying to tell me that you _don't_ want to stay with me forever?"

"No no no no no! I just- aahh!!" the green haired boy grabbed his hair out of frustration.

He gave a long sigh and rubbed his temple, "Just, look, I love you Urie... but I don't expect us to last as long as _I want to_ , the details are too much, so lets just stop worrying about what the future plans to give us and love the present." 

I didn't understand a single word he said, but I shrugged and went along with it anyway.

Our hands tangled together together as we started walking back to his house.

"The Quinx want you over for dinner." Mutsuki said with a smile playing on his lips.

* * *

 "So, how was everybody's day?" Sasaki set a large, cooked duck on the tablet.

Nobody replied, which was a little on the pathetic side. I slightly chuckled at the silence, my eyes averting to a tensed Shirazu.

"Answer my fucking question." Sasaki snapped, chewing a piece of duck.

Mutsuki was the first to speak, "My day was pretty nice-"

"We know that." Everybody else at the table interrupted him in sync.

"I, on the other hand, got 'Player Of The Game' six times in Overwatch." Saiko said with pride, leaning back in her seat until she fell over.

Shirazu stuck out his tongue, "I did a flip on my new bike-"

"You messed up and almost broke your arm twenty-six times before that."

"-today..." The orange haired jock narrowed his eyes at the blue haired girl, who wiggled her eyebrows and smirked.

"Oh, so I see you bought a new BDSM bike." I said casually, taking a sip of water.

The entire table stared at me, an awkward silence hung itself over the room.

"You mean... BMX bike...?" Shirazu raised an eyebrow slowly.

I swallowed a piece of duck, "Did I not say that?"

Saiko burst into laughter, then Mutsuki, then Shirazu. Sasaki was the last to laugh, he was too busy blushing and processing what I had said.

My mistake finally reached my brain, " _Oh_."

On the inside, I wanted to die.

On the outside, I also wanted to die.

"Kill me." I motioned a wrist slit with the back of my butter knife. 

* * *

"So, what if I died?" I asked so suddenly, causing Mutsuki to tense.

"Why must you ask such a question?" he tilted his head, "The answer isn't simple."

I thought for a second, thoughts and theories and pictures floating in my head until they clicked together like a giant puzzle, "Mhm..."

"Well, death is the loss of life. If I were to lose my life in any way- maybe blood loss or fall or even mauled by wild animals, the possibilities are honestly endless- I would ascend to another life, or be locked up in a dark room forever, who knows?" I theorized, confusing the green haired boy by the second.

I turned my head and smirked at him, "Is it like the 'tingly feeling'?"

Mutsuki burst into redness, "Don't bring that up!"

"Oh, but it seems to you that it's  _such an important topic_ , why wouldn't I bring it up?" I laughed, hearing the animal-like whining and confused noises coming from Mutsuki.

He stopped his nonsense and gazed into my eyes with a question hanging on his tongue.

"Do you like being in love with me?"

To be completely honest, I couldn't stand being in love, it was like an endless cycle of pain followed by a drop of affection.

Except...

A single drop could change the entire formula.

I sighed, reaching for something to grab, my hand ended up touching Mutsuki's.

I almost forgot that we were both sitting on the edge of the balcony, the green haired boy was half asleep.

"Will you catch me when I fall?" He mumbled, his lips curving ever so slightly into a smile.

"I don't know," I looked down at him, "Will you catch _me_?"

Mutsuki exhaled and kicked his legs around, "I'll use everything in my power to catch you if you fall."

My eyes sparkled with wonder, I smiled and wrapped my arms around him.

"H-Hey! We're gonna fall if you do that!" The green haired boy panicked, pushing me away as hard as he could.

I blinked and saw oblivion, Mutsuki fell back. The world stopped again and replayed in my mind until it blurred together in one, big regret.

My arm dashed for his shirt, I pulled him up and we both fell back and rolled into the room.

For once, my life had flashed before my eyes. It wasn't because I was losing myself, but because I was losing what was most important to me.

"I'm... sorry..." Mutsuki was left breathless, he rested his head on my shoulder.

I felt dampness in my clothing and softly ran my fingers through his green hair.

"It's okay, it's okay." I said flatly, but my voice was full of emotion.

His breathing was sharp, showing that he was panicked and scared for life. 

Any normal person would feel the exact same way, tasting death on their tongue but it isn't exactly as sweet as they thought.

"You're safe with me..." I breathed.

An hour could pass and we'd still be panicked, we'd still be afraid of what would happen if I didn't pull him up.

That's just how humans feel, we're always scared, we're always wondering what we could of done better or what we could possibly do worse.

Human fear is what I love to study, fear and anxiety always blossomed inside a person when things got bad. That's why we get scared, that's why we cry- although crying is also when we're sad or happy- and that's why apart of what makes us living, breathing, loving humans.

Without emotions like fear, anger, sadness, happiness, passion, jealousy, love, and all of the above, we can't be humans. The human can only experience a true life when they're feeling all the emotions they want to feel.

Mutsuki felt all of those emotions, all at once, it was easy to see when he was happy or sad or mad.

Whilst I, I felt all but said none.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!!!!


	15. You Said You'd Always Be My White Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER MY BOIS  
> this fanfic has been really great and although, i don't write a lot for each chapter, i really enjoyed it and hoped you guys did too  
> other than thanking everybody for all the adorable comments and support, writing this is really stress reliving (not because i like seeing my children suffer oh no) but because i feel almost the same way as urie and it's like putting my own personality and struggles into his character (but i hope i didn't make it too ooc)
> 
> thank you all for reading White Blood! I hope you like this last chapter d(=^･ω･^=)b  
> -Ami

The ocean was calm and barely warm enough to keep people happy, Saiko's inability to swim while Shirazu's hobby to get lost in the middle of the ocean contrasted to the point where it was almost funny.

I watched as the waves unraveled onto the sand, then pulled itself and countless children back in.

"Anything on your mind?" Mutsuki flashed a smile, slightly startling me with his sudden appearance.

I thought about the right words to string, "You."

It only took a single word to get his heart beating faster than a bullet to the head, his olive skin burst into a vibrant redness, then back into its natural color.

The ability to trust and love and feel every emotion at once with just a couple words were what I found in these past months.

The want for absolutely nothing but him safe in my arms, to be smiling and laughing with him and caring about him and only him.

Nothing was important; not life, not death, not disease or slaughter or insanity or anything... because they cleared it all from your sick little mind.

I yawned, getting ready to ditch these absolute losers and take a nap at home.

Mutsuki quickly snatched my hand and pulled me towards the water, I wasn't even wearing something that had me ready for the ocean, but apparently he couldn't care any less than I did.

"Mutsuki! What are you doing!?" I tried yelling over the children and waves.

I knew he could hear me, I also knew he ignored me, and I _also_ knew that he just wanted to make me carry him out of the water after I saved him from "drowning to death"... well that was just Mutsuki for you.

The green haired boy smiled as he let go of my hand and fell back-first into the shallow water, causing a splash big enough to give the nearby toddlers a startle.

"You idiot..." I muttered under my breath, a dark aura surrounding me and making the children flee.

"Urie, your emo is showing!" Shirazu called from past the breaking waves, I only replied to his statement with a middle finger.

Saiko and Mutsuki both laughed until they got toppled over by a wave hard enough to snap someone's neck.

"Heh..." I cracked a small smile at their wipeout.

* * *

 Mutsuki grazed his hand over mine, my fingers intertwined with his and he blushed.

"When will you get used to it?" I pressed my lips against his forehead.

The green haired boy looked like he was waiting for this question from the day I met him, "I will never get used to it, because you're full of surprises. One second, you're loving and will do anything to protect me; then in a single breath, you can be absolutely terrifying, being able to crush bones and spill blood like its nothing."

"Hm," was all I could say, because honestly, he had a point.

I took a sip of coffee from a cup laying in my lap, he wasn't exactly wrong with his statement...

The mood was ruined but another one blossomed at the same time, and it was all because of music that Shirazu just  _had_ put on to destroy the silence.

Mutsuki kicked his legs and hummed softly to the tune, I watched as he mouthed the lyrics.

"I think I'm better off with you, you said, 'compared to what?'." The tune of the song turned brighter and so did Mutsuki, who swayed side to side and smiled widely.

"And if you want it, girl, I will be your man. And if you want me girl-"

"I will be here forever." I cut him off unintentionally, silencing and flustering him.

I blinked, "What? Shirazu used to blast this song all through the apartment at five in the morning, I'm not surprised by the fact that he still does." 

The orange haired jock leaned backwards in his chair and chuckled, "Yeah, I remember the ol' days where you pissed me off and we'd get into fights every hour or so... it seems so long ago."

"That's because it was." My eyebrow twitched in annoyance. I didn't know about him, but four years is a long time (35040 hours and forty-eight months is a lot).

The green haired boy thought for a couple minutes, he was probably contemplating whether he should ask a question only dumbasses would think of or not.

"Did you two used to date?"

I spit out a mouthful of coffee and burst into laughter while Shirazu, stayed white-faced and expressionless.

After five minutes of pure awkwardness and silence (with a hint of me losing my shit to laughter), I decided to correct Mutsuki.

"No, no, we were _roommates_ some time ago. And then I kicked Shirazu out because I couldn't deal with his constant bullshit anymore,"

"How long did he last?" The green haired boy asked, dumbfounded by my statement.

"About three months." I sang with pride before the orange haired jock stomped on my foot.

I flicked him in the forehead and he smacked me in the stomach, I took his head and kneed him in the face. He punched me square in the face... and so on, so fourth.

* * *

 "I can't believe you managed to live with him for three months..." Mutsuki exhaled into the sweet afternoon air.

I joined him in the disappointed sighing, "I can't either."

He indulged in the summer heat, soaking in the sun and enjoying the small breezes. We walked around an open market, ranting and grabbing samples from appealing food stands.

"It's so hot!" Mutsuki let out a throaty groan, fanning himself with his hand.

I grabbed an umbrella from a nearby basket and shielded him from the heat.

"Isn't that-"

"Shh..." I winked and put a finger to my lips.

The day was more enjoyable now that we weren't burning in his summer heat.

I handed the umbrella to the green haired boy, "I'm going to get us a drink. Don't move, okay?"

"Okay~" he smiled in response.

I walked over to the first drink stand I saw, a bubble tea stand with a line consisting of five or six people.

The wait wasn't unbearable, it was simpler than everyone thought: you order your drink, you pay, you wait for your order to be made, you leave. 

It was a simple and short process, yet everybody took double the amount of time that it was suppose to take.

I waited until I heard a distressed scream and some people laughing.

My head snapped towards Mutsuki, who was being surrounded by three men.

I didn't hear a lot from them, but I did hear things like 'come on, let's just have some fun for a bit' and 'you're lookin pretty good, girl'.

Throughout my life, I have been told to do the right thing, especially in stressful situations.

So I did the right thing in this situation, which is make sure that those assholes didn't go anywhere without being mauled by me.

I punched one in the face and he went flying to the ground, then I kicked another one down and dug my heel into his hand, crushing it.

The last one was speechless and had lost all the color in his face, "M-Mercy!"

Non of them deserved mercy, I stepped on his head and he probably broke his skull against the pavement.

Oh well.

"Are you hurt?" I rushed to Mutsuki, throwing my arms around him and squeezing the air out of his lungs.

"I'm fine, I'm fine..." He gave me an assuring smile.

There were no visible injuries on him, I kissed his forehead and he giggled.

"So you're the sucker's guardian angel, eh?" The first guy slowly stood up.

I raised my chin, "I protect him because I love him, if you could fuck off and never come back, I won't rip your leg off." 

He scurried away in fear, leaving his broken friends behind.

"Come on," I caught Mutsuki's attention, "Let's go home."

* * *

 I had every reason to be silent on the car ride home, every reason to be quiet for a week, every single reason to have all my energy drained from my body.

Urie looked more than concerned over my behavior, he didn't understand what I knew.

We were on the couch, my head rested on his shoulder like normal.

I was thinking about things for a long time; thinking about what to say, thinking about how he'd react, it was frustrating.

Well, it was now or never.

"Urie..." I caught his attention, he reacted with a small kiss to my cheekbone.

"I'm not a girl."

He blinked in confusion, "I know that...?"

This was harder than I thought, I compressed my stress and worry into a sigh.

I sat up straight and pulled my loose, black sweater over my head, revealing a binder that was tight around my chest.

The dark haired male didn't do anything, he just stared in awe.

"I didn't really tell you because... because I thought you would leave me-"

His arms were suddenly around me, sharing a special warmth I never thought to have ever felt.

I held onto him with the same strength he embraced me with, letting go felt like loosing a patch of skin.

"Mutsuki, I love you for _who_ you are, not _what_ you are. It doesn't matter if you're male, female, or neither, nothing will stop me from loving and protecting you." He kissed my lips gently and ran his fingers in my hair.

"As long as you're happy and safe, I am too." 

* * *

 Mutsuki dozed off on the couch, half asleep, one arm was folded across his chest and the other was hanging off the couch. 

I sat up to get a drink of water, a warm hand pulling at me wrist happened to stop me.

"Stay..." the green haired boy murmured, his face buried in the couch cushions.

I looked down at him and slightly smiled, staying wouldn't be too hard.

The silence making its way into the room was anything but comforting, it was actually pretty awkward.

"You're beautiful when you're quiet and calm, taking in small breaths and becoming sleepier and sleepier by the second; it's like you're stuck in a never-ending daze that, if you open your eyes, will lead you to the bright and bountiful light surrounding-"

"Urie, shut the fuck up, I'm tryna sleep..." 

I shut my mouth and refrained from tearing up, the question of him picking up my hateful personality will remain unanswered in my mind for what seems to be eternity.

A tired sigh escaped my lips and I pressed them against Mutsuki's hair, he yawned loudly and then went silent.

This feeling of loneliness... even when he's right here next to me, it's aching in my chest and telling me to lose it. This bothered me, I went against Mutsuki's request and sat up to get water.

"Urie, I know you're gone." The green haired boy opened one eye the second I sat up straight.

"I have a headache, and I'm going to get some water." I stated flatly.

He squinted like I was lying, "Okay... that sounds fake, but okay."

I gulped down the water, feeling it run down my throat like I was a mountain and the cup of water was a stream heading to a larger body of water.

"Sit your ass back down and cuddle with me." Mutsuki opened his arms and waited for me to be done with my short break.

I quietly chuckled, "Okay, okay, no need to be rude."

I dove into his arms and he released a groan of pain, pushing me off less than two seconds after. "Don't forget that you're heavier than me by a ton."

"That's good for my self-esteem." I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

Mutsuki laughed and awkwardly threw his arms around me, squeezing me even though I was straighter than a pole.

"You're not the best hugger..." I smiled and returned the hug, making it more affectionate.

"Shut up." 

* * *

 We all went out to dinner; Shirazu, Mutsuki, Saiko, Sasaki, two other people that I didn't recognize, and me.

The two other people looked somewhat related to Sasaki, they were probably much older than him and acted like it (for once, someone who acted their age... I'm talking about  _you_ , Shirazu).

One person had white hair like untouched snow, refusing the shine in the light of the sun. He was also a tall male. Thin, black glasses rested on the bridge of his nose, he looked almost dazed with the stone grey eyes and lack of eye-contact.

The other person was a nice lady with platinum blonde hair and eyes that were the colors of gently tended lavenders growing in an ocean of flowers. Her smile was as bright as a star, but never as bright as the glowing sun that Mutsuki brought when he grinned at me (because nobody can be better than him... except me because I'm better than everyone).

 "Urie, this is Arima-" Sasaki pointed his arms at the tall male, "and this is Akira." He did the same but at the lovely lady.

I examined them for a couple seconds, nodding my head slowly as my eyes scanned every single one of their features.

"Are they your parents?" the question left my mouth like a glide of air ruffling through fluffy bird wings.

All three of them laughed in sync, then Sasaki began to explain. "They aren't my parents, but they're parental figures to me. Lots of people think we're related, and I don't blame them-"

"I don't either." I cut him short.

"-Arima and Akira are actually my work partners, we all work together."

That made less sense in my head, but I didn't want him to explain any longer so I nodded my head to signify that I understood what he was saying.

A waiter stepped outside and escorted us to our table, the inside looked like any regular restaurant for any regular person, nobody special came and that wasn't a problem. We weren't any worse or better than the people around us.

That's the thing I admire about humans, they're so simple; bearing simple emotions like jealousy or anger or joyfulness, taking the simpler route because it would require less work, and letting their feelings simply take over their common sense.

We all sat down and, after about five minutes, ordered our drinks and appetizers.

"Oh yeah, I'm ready to get drunk off my ass." Shirazu wore a grin on his face that screamed nothing but trouble.

I grabbed his glass and hid it under my chair. In all honesty, it was the best choice for everybody here.

Mutsuki grabbed my hand from under the table, I clutched his hand in return and he let out a small, unnoticeable squeak.

Unnoticed by everyone except Saiko, who watched our every move. That blue haired little shit watched every red tint grow darker on our faces, every shift of arms when our hands clasped together, and every slight movement of our lips when we did as much as smile or gasp. 

And boy, did she record it all in her head.

I glared at her, "Can you not watch our every move? Maybe?" 

Saiko shrugged, giving me an "I know I should probably give you two privacy, but what even is privacy when you're around me?" look.

The more I looked at her, the bigger and bigger her grin widened, it was unsettling.

The blue haired girl was like a cat... a sluggish, chubby cat who had no concept of clandestineness.

" _Here_ are your appetizers, and _here_ are your drinks." the waiter set down differently sized glasses and plates from a single tray, he tipped his head before leaving to serve the other customers.

"Aw yeah." Shirazu rubbed his hands together, ready to eat the entire dish in one bite and maybe devour the plate with it.

Separate conversations went around the table; Mutsuki and I soaking in the peaceful silence at the end of the table while Arima and Haise explained their jobs and dangerous missions to an awed Shirazu, the best part was seeing Saiko leave us alone to talk about random things like cats and Pinterest ideas with Akira.

The green haired boy ate like a motherfucking bird, and it was _really_ cute. He looked up at me and realized that I was staring.

"Eh- you need something?" sometimes, I can imagine flowers ringing around his head when his green eyes light up and soft lips curl into a small smile.

I blinked and instantly blushed. Mutsuki almost shrieked at my actions, covering the lower part of his face so he could hide the red tint brushed across his olive skin.

He averted his eyes away from me and picked up his fork, desperately trying to hit away at me.

"Ow." I simply said after being stabbed in the cheek.

Mutsuki let out a meek 'sorry!' before finally facing towards me, puffing his cheeks while he did so.

I didn't know what was up with his rather strange behavior... but I'm not going to complain about it.

I took his face in my hands and kissed him on the nose, then the lips.

The waiter came back and I quickly pulled away, we both looked the other direction so attention wouldn't be drawn to us.

Mutsuki stabbed the metal fork into his salad and brought it to his face, I had just enough time to bite it off his fork before it met his lips.

"Are you fucking serious-"

"Tastes good!" I chuckled at his disappointed and slightly irritated expression.

The green haired boy joined in on the short laughter, he then made sure the fork was death of me.

* * *

"Hey, thanks for cutting off my hand with a fork." I help up my heavily bandaged hand, getting a cat-like smirk from Mutsuki.

"You're welcome, love." he winked, giggling and pulling on a pair of shorts.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, then I hopped in bed and waited for him to get in.

"You know what I've been thinking about?" I whispered into his ear and pulled him close.

"What?" Mutsuki smiled, his eyes half-lidded and slightly dazed.

I returned the glistening beam, "I think about... how beautiful you are, how breath-taking your voice is... especially when you sing-"

"You've heard me sing?!" the green haired boy shot straight up.

I nodded and his head collapsed on the pillow, he covered his eyes with his hands and tried his hardest to turn down his wide smile.

"I've also been thinking about how joyful you are, covering a silenced moment with the best of humor..." I brushed my fingers across his cheek.

A smirk stretched across my lips as I kissed his forehead, "I love you, Mutsuki."

There was a long silence for a couple minutes, we traded deep stares until Mutsuki opened his mouth again.

"So... is this like, a proposal...? Or..." he earned a laugh from me, I ruffled his already-messy hair.

"No, I'm not asking for your hand in marriage." 

The green haired boy almost let out a sigh of relief, we both knew very well that we loved each other so, but marriage just wasn't the right decision.

Mutsuki stared down, focusing on my arms.

I had almost forgotten that scars were scattered all around my arms, it saddened me to see him look down on me for it.

He held up my arms, tracing his finger over a pearly white cut, "Why did you do this?"

I kills me to hear that question, to be asked why I choose to hurt something as pitiful as myself.

"It's deserving." I said, my voice low and soft.

Mutsuki sniffled and held back tears, "You don't deserve these cuts..."

He looked up and gazed into my eyes with the saddest expression I've seen from him since the day I showed him how much of a monster I was to myself.

I found myself tearing up, I wiped my eyes but it didn't work.

The green haired gently kissed my bruised wrist, "You deserve the world."

My eyes widened and I couldn't help but sob, I curled up in a little ball next to him and hid my face in my knees.

"How could you say something like that to someone so small and unimportant?" I cried, feeling his hand pet my hair.

"I'll give you the world because it's what you need, what you've been working for, and what you deserve more than anything." 

I blinked away the tears in order to correctly make eye contact with him, "But I don't want the world,"

"I want  _you_." 

* * *

 The wind was sweet against my skin, I felt it ruffle through my short hair and carry cigarette smoke through the air.

It was early morning, I was standing against the concrete edge that separated me and a fifty-foot drop to my death, the top of my apartment was easy to get to and relaxing.

No people, no morals, no rules, just me and the soft breeze.

I exhaled some puffs of smoke and looked at the view in front of me, buildings and streets and little ants that resembled people was what I could see from up here.

I grinned, its almost like I was God and I was giving an eye to the creatures that I created and feared at the same time.

My grin faded as I heard the door from the stairs click open behind me, I turned around and saw Mutsuki rubbing his left eye like he'd just woken up.

"How did you know I was here?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

The green haired boy yawned, "You visit the top of your apartment a lot, it's not like I'm blind to something that I witness every three weeks or so."

Oh yeah... I always had to remind myself that Mutsuki knew my habits of going on top and feeling the wind, at least he wasn't bothered by it.

"Is it a problem?" I asked, my voice smooth and friendly to inform him that I wasn't planning to show aggression.

"I just don't want you to jump off when I'm not there, ya'know? If you haven't noticed, I care about you." 

I crunched the cigarette in between my fingers and sighed. "You're delusional."

"Am I?" Mutsuki slightly simpered, approaching me.

I ran a hand through his hair, "Yes, yes you are." I pressed my lips against his.

We pulled apart, "Maybe you need to go to a mental hospital."

"There's only one scenario in which I'll end up in a place as vile as a that." the green haired boy rested his head on my shoulder.

"Oh?" my eyebrows furrowed, "Really?"

"Yes, if there's one thing that drives me insane, it's losing you." He kissed me, lips gentle against mine.

I gave him a tight hug that lasted a couple seconds, "What would I do if something bad were to happen?"

"Depends on the situation."

"Loss of myself, loss of you, loss of everybody we just happened to care about. Loss is what causes us to spiral into insanity; whether it be loss of something or someone, it'll always have an impact on us. Big or small, important or unimportant, it's always us who gets affected by what we lose. Others don't tend to understand, and when they do, it's the best feeling ever."

I took a deep breath like I was going to jump in and sink to the bottom of the ocean, "It's the best feeling ever because... somebody finally knows and understands the same pain that you feel, you don't feel alone in this terrible world. When somebody knows, it's like the weight of confusion between other people has been pulled off of your shoulders. You can finally speak, you can finally speak to someone who knows the exact pain that you're going or went through. Because you're both broken records."

"That's... understandable... kind of..." Mutsuki tried to process what I had said, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion until the point finally reached his brain.

"And that is why we're both afraid of loosing each other. Because we know each other so well and we're so afraid that, if something terrible were to happen, we'd not only loose each other... but ourselves." the way my brain worked was a little strange, that's what most people said, I personally believe that it's just the flowing imagination creating new ideas and scenarios that might or might not happen, so I can be ready for it.

Thoughts raced through my head at speeds so high, I couldn't even make out most of them.

One thought stood out in the other thousands that clouded my mind with nonsense.

"Mutsuki... I know I say this a lot but, I've been thinking.." I pushed both my palms against the cold, concrete edge and decided to lean back on it.

"I've been thinking about... various things, like those worst-case scenarios, those are one of the things I've been thinking about." My eyes lowered and I inhaled the morning air and let it seep into my lungs, "I could never say 'I love you' enough, could I?"

Mutsuki's breathing grew ragged, he took small steps towards me.

I could easily tell he was panicked from a mile away, the way his pupils were dilated, his uneven breathing, and fast-paced beat of his golden heart almost made me wonder: _what did it take to snap the wings off an angel like him_?

"Urie, what're you planning...?" the green haired boy made sure not to make any mistakes in his actions, any slip-up would lead to disaster.

I simpered, "Nothing, my dear."

 _'Had he gone mad?!'_ was probably what Mutsuki was thinking right now, he was probably calculating what it took for me to fall right down, and the answers were simple...

Everything.

Everything was pushing me down, everything was bothering me, everything was clawing away at my patience, I wore a smile so nobody would ask, I pretended like I was having fun so nobody would have doubts.

"Why?" Mutsuki whispered, he was inches away from me, he was able to grab me and stop me but... he was _too_ _afraid_ , he was scared that- if he'd make a small move to help me- that I'd slip from between his fingers. He'd blame himself, of course. He'd blame himself until the guilt was done eating away at his rusted heart.

"To be honest..." I turned to him with tears in my eyes, my back was to the open air and my eyes were brimming with water, "I'm scared too..."

I lifted the weight off of my own shoulders, falling backwards and letting the gravity pull me down until I hit the hard concrete. I wasn't going to feel it, anyway.

But why was I so scared? Why was fear pulsing through every vein in my body? Why was I crying?

It certainly wasn't because I was afraid of death, no. I welcomed death, I always did.

I wasn't afraid of getting hurt during the process of my death, pain wasn't something I always set my mind on.

No.

It was  _losing Mutsuki_.

He was losing me, but I was letting him down by killing myself.

It was a suicide, after all, it had always been. I've been planning this for months, but falling in love wasn't apart of my plan.

I opened my tear-filled eyes and they widened dreadfully.

My lips parted but no words came out, my hair flew with the wind and so did his.

"Mut...su..ki..?" I touched his face, my fingers grazing across his olive-toned cheek.

His smiling face was the last thing I wanted to remember, it was imprinted in my mind and will stay there forever even in the afterlife.

"I'm not going to let you leave without saying goodbye." he wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me close, inhaling my scent and burying his face in my chest.

I stroked his hair, suddenly remembering that this was the last time that I would. 

This brought messy tears to my eyes, I held him as tight as I could before we hit the ground.

"Remember me, Mutsuki." I breathed, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Remember that I lived, remember the hope and love and sunlight that you brought into my world when you met me. Remember that you numbed the pain, remember that you did so much for me with so little in return, remember every single breath and smile and kiss." I brought our foreheads together and closed my eyes, smiling wistfully.

I could feel the ground approaching us quickly, he took my face and gave me one last kiss. One last, passionate kiss, giving me all the hurt and joy, all the help and silence, giving me all of him.

"Remember that I love you."

The world unfroze around us and every thought, every memory, every single sentence rushed through my mind before a  _crack_ hit the ground and coursed through my skull

I didn't die with regrets.

I didn't die with sins weighing me down.

I didn't die frowning.

And I didn't die alone.

I died with Mutsuki Tooru in my arms, smiling like nothing bad had happened.

Police were probably surrounding us, people were probably screaming, panic was most likely spread around the scene.

I didn't care if I went to so-called "heaven" or not.

Because if there was such thing as heaven, it was with him.


End file.
